Winter in Spring, 2022

Our weather has gone crazy.  Blame global warming for this, I guess.  Something is screwy.  Here it is, late March, and we have had two days of winter weather, complete with snow flurries, after experiencing the beginning of spring.  What the ....  What is up?

Sitting in my apartment, I am wearing a lightweight muumuu barefoot because it is so warm here with the heat on that bundling up is not an option.  If I wanted to deal with my stuck windows, I could open them and get some fresh, cool air.  I long for the usual winter draft through my back door, except it is not coming through there right now.  Winter drafts are like police officers because they’re never around when you need one.

Of course, this means that I can’t go outside for a walk or even a few minutes of fresh air unless I want to bundle up in a coat and socks, which I am reluctant to do to step outside the apartment for a few minutes on a day when it should be spring.

Bummer!

In addition, our building has re-instated a mask directive.  This means that I have to remember to put a mask on my face, even if all I am doing is going to the lobby on my floor to check my mail.

I guess I’ll stay inside here and moan.

Happy Vernal Equinox!

NATURAL CAR WASH

GRASS IS WHITE?
 

After the craziest winter in the memories of everybody in North America, we finally come to the First Day of Spring.  All of us have been wondering when spring will come.  Well, it's finally here -- at least astronomically, which is better than nothing.  It wasn't warm outside, but at least we weren't turning into Ice Zombies minutes after stepping out the door, and that's an improvement.

In the spirit of the day, I offer this little poem:

Spring is here, or so they say,

So we must not despair.

And we can just ignore the wind

As well as the nippy air

There are no flowers blooming bright

No lovely, perfumed trees.

But happy day!  There is no snow!

Let's keep it that way, please!

Hey!  I'm a humor writer, not a poet!  (Everyone's a critic!)

SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO

Springing Forward is for Pole Jumpers!

It’s Sunday morning, March 9, 2014.  Two things are special about today:

1.      It’s the First Sunday of Lent

2.       It’s this year’s Daylight Savings Time spring forward, lose an hour changeover day.

Two things that nobody looks forward to have punched us in the face at the same time.  It wouldn’t be so bad, except that I have a weekend job as a church singer and I have to sing an 8:45 AM mass every Sunday.

Of course, I made sure to set my alarm clock ahead.  I was not going to mistake the time.

But I forgot to set the alarm.

I wake up at 8:08.  It takes my groggy brain several seconds to realize that I only have about 20 minutes to get dressed, feed the cat, take my morning meds and get out of the house.

I am not a morning person.  I hate mornings.  It all started when I was born at 8:04 on a February morning.  I was forcibly evicted from a nice, warm, soft place into a cold room, held upside down by a doctor and slapped on the rear to make me cry, just so they’d know I was alive.  I never got over it.

(I wonder how many of those annoying, cheerful, energetic morning people were born in the evening.)

Do I make it to church on time?  Yes.  Just barely, but yes.  I didn’t know I had it in me to move so fast.  It just goes to show what you can accomplish when faced with an emergency, such as the prospect of being embarrassed in front of a church full of people, the organist and, worst of all, the priest, not to mention the disruption of a 2,000 year old liturgical tradition.

Fast forward to Monday morning, March 10.  This time the alarm is set, and it goes off right on time.  My body is not set, though.  It still thinks it’s an hour earlier than it really is and it’ll be damned if it’s going to get out of bed.  My brain finally prevails, and my body reluctantly gets on its feet.  It spends the next hour and a half dragging around, ignoring all signals from the brain, which is trying to tell it to get its butt moving.  I still manage to get out of the house in time to get to work early, but don’t ask me how.

I have come to the conclusion that Daylight Savings Time was invented by The Devil in order to confuse humanity, throw us into disarray and torment us.  How else can you explain it?