The Litter Tree

The diversity of life forms on this planet is beyond awe-inspiring.  Life forms include trees.  I believe I have discovered a new species of tree, right outside my apartment window.

Horticulturists don’t believe my reports.  The nicest response I received from one of them was the one that stated, “We pass your report around the office every April Fools’ Day and laugh until we wet ourselves.”

Therefore, like everyone else who has seen something unusual, I am thumbing my nose at the scientists and telling my story to the public.

Some trees grow sweet, fragranced cherry blossoms, then sweet, delicious cherries.  Some trees grow apple blossoms, then nice, round, delicious apples.  Other trees grow oranges, apricots, acorns and other nice things.

The tree outside my window is a litter tree.  It grows plastic supermarket bags, two at a time.  I don’t know how this happened.  Maybe somebody back in the 70s or 80s buried a supermarket bag in the yard/garden outside our building and it somehow took root.  Why anyone would bury a supermarket bag is something I don’t understand, but some people will do anything for fun.

Litter Tree in Full Bloom

It is probably the sole tree on earth that grows only two pieces of inedible fruit at a time.  Like all fruit, the fruit of the litter tree appears, grows, then fades and dies.  The big difference, though, between a litter tree and, say, an apple tree is that the two plastic bags hanging from the litter tree never fall to earth.  They shrivel and shred, but the remains hang on the tree, as if trying to cling to a life they have long since lost.  Because they are too high up to be picked by hand, they remain on the tree, a sad reminder of what used to be.

Litter Tree with Rotten Fruit

The litter tree is native to The Bronx, New York.  Plastic bags and wind are also common in The Bronx, but this does not affect the litter tree, which stands tall and independent.

I hope that someday the litter tree will become the official tree of The Bronx.  Until then, I must work to get people to believe it exists.

Neanderthal Me

Would you go out with her?

According to the latest scientific findings, almost everyone outside of Sub-Saharan Africa has some Neanderthal in their DNA.

I sent my DNA to The National Geographic’s Genographic Project, and my results tell me I am 1.8 percent Neanderthal.  For this reason, I am gratified to know that science has also determined the following:

1.      Contrary to popular belief, Neanderthals were as smart as anyone else living in Stone Age Europe.  They weren’t stupid.  This is good news and bad news.  The good news is I can still turn out to be smart.  The bad news is I can’t blame any of my dumb decisions on Neanderthal ancestry, since they weren’t as dumb as everyone used to think they were.

2.      Neanderthals didn’t go extinct because the modern humans who were invading their territory were superior.  They went extinct because they interbred with modern humans and there were a lot more modern humans than there were Neanderthals.  The Neanderthals got absorbed into the new general population and the result is everyone on earth who doesn’t come from Sub-Saharan Africa, including me.

The second latest scientific finding has started me thinking.  Were there romances between Neanderthals and modern humans?  What about dating, courtship etiquette, etc.?  Perhaps it went something like this:

A young modern human woman – let’s call her Maude – met a young Neanderthal guy – let’s call him Ned – and a few sparks flew around.  Maude’s family probably reacted like this:

MAUDE’S FATHER:  I want you to stay away from that Neanderthal kid – Nate, or whatever they call him!

MAUDE:  Ned.  His name is Ned.

MAUDE’S FATHER:  Ned, Nate, whatever!  You stay away from him!

MAUDE’S MOTHER:  He’s such a nice young man.  Maybe if we talk to his family …

MAUDE’S FATHER:  He’s short and ugly!  He has no forehead!  He has a big nose!  He can’t speak Modern Human worth a damn!  You want our grandkids to look like him?  He’s a freakin’ Neanderthal, for Pete’s sake!

In the meantime, Ned’s family probably reacted like this:

NED’S FATHER:  I want you to stay away from that modern human girl – Maddie or whatever they call her!

NED:  Maude.  Her name is Maude.

NED’S FATHER:  Maude, Maddie, whatever!  You stay away from her!

NED’S MOTHER:  I think we shouldn’t be so hasty, dear.  That family is pretty high up on the social register.  They live in the best cave in the neighborhood and they know all the best people.  They could help you in your rock carving business.

NED’S FATHER:  Is that all you care about?  She’s not one of us!  And she’s butt ugly.  You want our grandkids to look like her?

There must have been other questions, too:

MAUDE’S FATHER:  Have you been doing anything that your mother and I should know about?

NED’S FATHER:  Did you knock that girl up?

I will leave the story here.  I don’t even want to think about what the wedding must have been like, if there was one.

For more of my humor, go here.