The Monster has Risen

**

In other news, scientists, tourists and startled gondoliers have reported a sighting of the famed Grand Canal Monster, popularly known as "Grandie."

Unlike the Loch Ness Monster, which is usually seen as a long neck with a little head on the end of it, the Grand Canal Monster appears as two gigantic white human arms and hands. In the past, Grandie has been mistaken for some large, submerged ancient Roman statue, but that idea was debunked when it was seen by two people who were selling knockoff Gucci handbags to let go of a building it was grabbing and sink back into the water. In addition, Venice was not an ancient Roman city, so no statues were built there by the Romans. Other people built statues there later, but not the Romans, because they weren't there to do it.

The appearance of the monster has caused great concern within the ranks of the Venetian municipality. They are wondering if the creature will wreck some kind of havoc on the annual Regatta and on the gondola business. Tourists, on the other hand, are heading to Venice in huge droves and bringing their iPhone cameras with them. Several people have been accidentally pushed into the polluted water, causing them to get very angry. Venetian police are putting in a lot of overtime trying to control the crowds of people, most of whom can't even speak Italian.

We'll have more on this later. Right now, let's go to Jim James for the latest sports news.

This was written in response to a photo writing prompt by author Jody Townsley Morse, posted on Facebook on February 3, 2018.

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**The image is of the sculpture "Support," by the artist Lorenzo Quinn.  It set up in the water of the Grand Canal to call attention to the problem of Global Warming, which is causing sea levels to rise.

A Telling Defense

Author CAMERON GRAHAM posted this writing prompt on Facebook on 1/17/2018:
 Challenge: Make a character portrait of someone with a huge blind spot in his or her self-awareness--something that everybody else sees but to which the character is oblivious. But the portrait should still be three-dimensional and complex, not cartoonish.

Always tells the truth and never
gossips.Yeah, right!

I, Rose Marie Lapazza, freely make this written deposition, witnessed by my nephew Salvatore, who is a notary and who knows that I always tell the truth and I never gossip, in spite of what everyone says, including his mother, my sister Angela, who drives her husband crazy and can be a real pain in the ass.

Last Sunday, January 14, 2018, I was coming out of the 11:30 Mass over at Our Lady of Mount Carmel Church.  I stopped to talk to Mary Ryan and Father Rizzo because I always stop to talk to Father Rizzo and Mary was standing there talking to him before I got there.  She has a hard time getting around because of her bad knee, poor thing.  It’s her age.  She’s older than she looks and a lot older than she admits to being.  I had some pain patches that I had been meaning to give to her, so I took them out of my purse and handed them to her.  She said thank you.  She always says please and thank you because she has manners.  Sometimes her manners are too good and you want to clobber her for being annoying, but most of the time she’s nice to be around.

I talked to a bunch of other people after that, because I like people and I like to talk to them and help them out with things.  That’s what friends and neighbors are for, and here we were right in front of our church.  You have to be nice to people when you’re standing in front of a church because you’re standing in front of God, and acting like a jerk when you are standing in front of God is even worse than acting like a jerk when you are just walking around somewhere.  I was being as nice as possible.  I even told Tommy and Kathleen Marco that I thought their ugly kid was cute.  I feel so sorry for that kid.  She’s going to have a hard time when she gets old enough to go to school.  Of course, the kid can’t help it.  She looks like her father.

So there I was, fussing over the little Marco girl (poor kid), when up popped Philomena Grillo.  She came charging at me like a damned torpedo, yelling loud enough to be heard in three counties, accusing me of telling people she has been having an affair with Jim Piscitelli the newsstand guy.  I never said she was having an affair with him.  She couldn’t, anyway.  Jim Piscitelli is as gay as New Orleans on Mardi Gras.  He tries to hide it, but everyone knows, anyway.  He and Philomena are friends and they sometimes go to the movies together, but she could never get anything going with him, if you know what I mean.

So there was Philomena, screaming about how I was ruining her reputation and calling me things that should never be said in front of a church.  I had to calm her down, so I hauled off and slugged her in the shoulder.  I did NOT hit her in the face, no matter what she says.  I might have pulled some of her hair.  I don’t remember.  Anyway, she didn’t calm down.  She got mad as a bull seeing red.  She jumped on me and we ended up in a big fight.  She probably would have won, because she’s a lot bigger than I am and she looks like a man, but Father Rizzo came and broke us up, just in time.  He was mad at both of us and told us to stop acting like a couple of animals and go home.

Philomena brought this lawsuit against me for slandering her, which I never did because I never said she was having an affair with Jim the gay guy.  I don’t gossip.  If I say anything about anyone, it is always the truth and it is always something everyone knows, anyway.  I should sue Philomena for giving me a black eye, and if she keeps this up I might do that.

Attested to this 17^th day of January, 2018.

___________________________________

Rose Marie Lapazza

___________________________________

Salvatore Pazienza, Notary Public

The Hair Papers

Author Lucie Guerre posted the following writing prompt on Facebook:

Found an advertisement on Facebook for "100% human hair". Create a story in which someone buys 100% human hair off a Facebook ad and why they would make such a purchase.

Memo

To: Invasion Preparatory Staff

From: General Zork-Snut

In our efforts to transform our Invasion Force into the likeness of earthlings, it has become painfully obvious that we are lacking in one resource.

Unlike the people of our planet, humans have hair on their heads. If this mission is to be successful, we must acquire a large amount of human hair ASAP.

Sclat Dok, one of our advance scouts has found an advertisement on something that humans call "Facebook" for 100 percent human hair. With this memo, I authorize Ms. Dok to buy enough human hair to cover the heads of 50 members of our invasion force.

Ms. Dok, please do this ASAP. Our people have never had hair on their heads before, and they will need time to adjust to it before they invade Earth and try to pass as humans.

The success of our mission depends on this.

===================================

Memo

To: General Zork-Snut

From: Sclat Dok

It might not be necessary to buy so much hair. In the last several years, it has become a fashion for male humans in some countries to shave their heads. I might be able to save the mission some money by buying hair only for the females in the invasion force.

Please advise.

PS: I wish you would get email. It's a real pain having to send these memos back and forth.

==================================

Memo

To: Sclat Dok

From: General Zork-Snut

Just buy the hair. If we end up with too much, you can always sell it to a movie studio for their next sci-fi flick.

I will never get email. I can't figure it out, and if I can't figure it out it has no right to exist.

=================================

Memo

To: General Zork-Snut

From: Sclat Dok

Okay, Pop. I won't argue with you. Say hello to Mom and tell her I am safe.

By the way, what would you like me to bring you from Earth?  Some nice Gucci shoes?  A case of Twinkies?  Let me know.

This is What Happens When You Fool Around on Facebook

Posted to the Writing Prompts Group on Facebook by Author Leland Lydecker:

You've lived in this slum all your life, staring up at the towers of wealth and affluence above and longing for the kind of life where you have clean running water and enough to eat. While hunting for another job, you stumble across a posting for a R&D position with the city's largest cybernetics manufacturer.

The pay is a small fortune in your eyes, and the only required qualification is the ability to pass a physical health exam. One line in the small print catches your eye as you press the button to sign up: "CyberTech Corp now removes the pain receptors of all its R&D subjects in accordance with UN regulations regarding human testing."

How does the new job work out for you?

https://www.facebook.com/LelandLydecker/photos/a.1925095311102443.1073741828.1906593652952609/2028857987392841/?type=3

My Response:

I brush the roach off the computer screen and he falls to the floor behind the old desk. I hope I will never see him again, although it's certain that his family and friends will show up looking for handouts. They always do. Our douchebag landlord refuses to pay for an exterminator, and half the tenants in this dump are slobs. The roaches and the mice are the only living things that prosper here. Don't get me started on the peeling lead paint and the broken steps. The landlord has been jailed twice for these, but he always manages to avoid doing anything about them.

Now that the roach isn't distracting me, I can continue my online search for a job. I have searched through several websites so far and sent my resume to at least 10 places. I am now on a site that advertises jobs in research and development. I figure they won't be too choosy about hiring people to try out new products or new medications, and maybe I can make enough to move to a better hovel than the one I now occupy.

I scroll through a bunch of ads for men to test new anti-impotence drugs and women to test new perfumes. I am not a man, and I'm allergic to perfumes. One ad, though, makes me stop and read. CyberTech Corporation is looking for human test subjects. The pay is $50 per hour, with free lunches and free transportation. "Whoa!" I say to myself. I click on the link leading to the website of CyberTech, where I find more information about the job.

CyberTech plans to do some experimental research to see how much power can be derived from the human brain. For this they need subjects in good health who don't mind lying still for a few hours a day with a wired-up helmet on their heads. For $50 an hour I will do an upside-down pole dance while singing "New York, New York" and slapping myself on the head.

I am poised to click on the "Apply Here" button when my eye falls on some small print near the bottom of the screen that reads, "CyberTech Corp now removes the pain receptors of all its R&D subjects in accordance with UN regulations regarding human testing."

What the hell! Does that mean I'd be numb for the rest of my life? Would I be "mostly dead," like Westley in "The Princess Bride?" If I choose not to have my receptors removed, will I die in excruciating pain? If they remove my receptors, can they put them back after the experiment is over?

On the other hand, a pain-free life might not be so bad: no more headaches; no more backaches; no arthritis pain; etc.

"Okay," I say to myself, "$50 an hour, here I come. The die is cast."

I click the button, fill out the information and wait for them to get back to me.