Child-Proof Food Containers?

Okay.   I can understand why medicine bottles are made hard to open.   Children get into everything, and we don’t want them to experiment with medications they have no business taking.   So yes, medicine bottles should be hard to open, at least for kids. But food?   Why on earth should a jar of food be impossible to open without a chainsaw? Take, for example, that new jar of peanut butter that you are trying to open because, let’s say, you are making lunch for a couple of kids.   You start with confidence, sure that one good twist of the wrist will loosen up the lid. The lid refuses to budge.   You heave a sigh and try again.   The thing remains stubbornly tight. After uttering a couple of mild curses, you bang the lid against the countertop a couple of times.   Then you try again to open the jar, with no luck. You wrap a kitchen towel around the jar and try again.   Nothing happens. You take a table knife and tap the entire circumference of the lid with it.

You Know It's Time to Declutter When ...

In every life, there comes a time when one has to get rid of some of those possessions that have, over the years, multiplied like oversexed rabbits. Oh, but all those things have a use, you say. Yes, but have you used them at any time in the last two years? Well, no, but I might.   You never know. Get rid of them! Is the path from your living room to your kitchen an obstacle course?   If your answer is yes, you might want to consider dumping that ottoman instead of having to dodge it all the time. I have things stored in that ottoman, you say. When was the last time you looked at any of those things you have stuck in there? Well ... Get rid of them, then get rid of the ottoman! Is your closet bulging with clothes, some of which you last wore when Clinton was President?   If so, maybe your wardrobe needs a cleaning-out. Oh, but I can’t get rid of my old clothes, you say.   Suppose they come back into style, and I lose enough weight to wea

Observations of an Aging Baby Boomer

Aging Baby Boomer Observing 1.     Archaeologists have discovered an "Elixir of Immortality" in an ancient Chinese family tomb. This is possibly the first example of a scientific experiment gone wrong because everybody in the grave is dead. 2.      The length of time it takes a package to reach your house is in reverse ratio to the importance of the package. 3.      Never trust anyone over 70.  We’re old enough to know all the tricks if we can remember them. 4.      Never judge anyone until you have walked a mile in his shoes.  If the shoes don’t fit, you’re screwed.  Being screwed gives you the right to get mad, which provides you with the right to search out the owner of the shoes and clobber him. 5.      Early to bed and early to rise can make a person really grouchy, especially if everyone else is having fun while you’re in bed. 6.      Yes, your dog or cat loves you, so stop wondering about it. 7.      Scientists are finally figuring out t

Training Your Human 101, by Harmony the Cat

The Professor Lesson 1:  Treats Harmony:   Since the time of the Pharaohs, 4,000 years ago, humans and cats have shared their homes with each other in a mutually satisfying arrangement. Me (Human):   Actually, cats became domesticated around 12,000 years ago in the Middle East, but not in Egypt.  Egypt came later. Yes, but mentioning the Pharaohs is a good attention getter. Okay.  It’s your lecture.  I just thought I’d point out ... Not while I’m talking! All right.  Whatever.  Sheeesshh! So obsessive!  Now, where was I.  Oh yes.  Since the time of the Pharaohs (pause, looks at human)   cats and humans have shared their lives together.  This arrangement has been highly beneficial to the cat, providing him or her with potential servants ... “Slaves” is more like it. ... ahem ... to cater to the cat’s every whim.  To achieve this end, a certain amount of training is required.  In this first lesson, I will teach you how to obtain treats from yo

The Adventures of Hubert the Fly

“Good evening.  This is your roving reporter Roberta Ribbits with today’s News of the Eccentric.  I am on the corner of 239 th Street and Bailey Avenue in The Bronx.  As you all know, many people eschew the idea of adopting a dog or a cat and choose instead to acquire exotic pets.  Standing next to me here is Ms. Florence Fadibber, who owns the most exotic pet of all, a common housefly." “He’s not common.  He’s very uncommon.  If he were common, everyone would have one.” “I’m sorry.  Yes.  An uncommon house fly.  I guess he’s in that mason jar you’re holding.  What’s his name?” “Hubert.  I named him after my ex-husband.  There, there, Hubert.  It’s all right. Sweetie.  She’s a nice lady.  She just wants to get to know you.  N-i-i-ce flykins.”  “Uh.  Yes.  Hello, Hubert.  Tell me, Ms. Fadibber, how long have you had your pet fly?  And what on earth made you adopt him?” “Well, I was thinking about getting a pet, but I didn’t want to go through all the rigam

Eve's Memoir

I take a Bible class every Wednesday evening.  Occasionally, we are asked, as part of the homework, to write a little story.  Last week we were asked to write an account of the Fall from the viewpoint of Eve. In a fit of dutiful reverence, I wrote a sad, tragic account to hand to our instructor.  I can't resist, however, writing a funny version as well.  Our instructor has a sense of humor, so perhaps I will submit this to the class for some extra credit! How I Ended Up East of Eden [1]  by Eve What was I thinking?  It isn’t as though we didn’t have enough to eat.  We had a whole smorgasbord there in Eden, made up of all kinds of food except meat.  We didn’t mind not having meat, though, because we didn’t know any better back then.  All of the animals in Eden were supposed to be friends for my husband Adam, not food.  That was before Adam got his operation where God took out a rib and made me from it.  At any rate, Adam and I more or less divided up the animal frie

Sweepstakes Shmeepstakes!

Have you ever received one of those pieces of mail inviting you to enter sweepstakes and possibly win a humungous sum of money?  Of course, you have, unless you have been living in a cave without a mailing address for the last 40 years. After years of tossing those envelopes into the trash unopened, have you suddenly decided to enter one of the sweepstakes and give yourself a chance to become an instant rich person without having to work for the money? I have news for you.  Not only do you have a minuscule chance of winning anything, but it takes a genius to fill out one of those entry forms. DISCLAIMER:  All names have been changed, to protect the innocent, the not-so-innocent and anyone else who feels guilty.  If there is any resemblance to any corporations that have ever been in existence, don’t blame me. Picture this.  You have just received an envelope in the mail from the Sweepstakes Division of the Chimera [1] Corporation.  The envelope is thick.  For s