MORE Family History

My Ancestor Thor Knudsen,
Looking Stupid

Very few people know this, but there were Norwegians on my mother’s side of the family tree.  This included one of the most famous Vikings of the early Middle Ages, Thor Knudsen.

If you don’t recognize that name, it’s because once the Viking Era was over everyone forgot about Thor Knudsen.  If you happen to know someone named Thor Knudsen, he wasn’t named after my ancestor.

As a young boy on his family’s part of the fjord, Thor was bullied by other kids, who thought his name was funny.  Thor was the name of one of the gods.  Nobody ever dared to name a kid after a god because they thought the god would be insulted and get even.  Thor’s father, Knut the Hairy, who liked to be different, thought Thor would be flattered.  Everyone was wrong, of course, because the god Thor never existed and could, therefore, not feel anything.

The other kids used to gang up on Thor, corner him and tease him.  “Hey, Thor, where’s your hammer?” one kid would say.  “Hey, make it thunder for us,” another one would add.  This went on until the day Thor realized that he had grown to be six feet tall and muscular, while the rest of the gang were the usual puny medieval types.  Thor didn’t have a hammer, but he had two super-sized fists.  He soon sent the gang flying – literally – right off a cliff.  That taught them a lesson.

Everyone was afraid of Thor after that, which made him the perfect choice to send on raiding and pillaging expeditions.  This meant he had to learn to sail.  The problem was he got seasick and he was afraid of water.  Knut the Hairy solved the problem by threatening to have Thor buried in that damned boat if he didn’t get into it and stay there.  Thor obeyed.

Thor led many expeditions, and his name soon evoked terror throughout northern and western Europe.  Only his crew knew that he spent his time at sea lying in the middle of the ship, vomiting into a bucket, and they weren’t telling.  Once he landed, his raiding and pillaging skills made him very successful and very rich.

After ten years of this, Thor had accumulated enough ill-gotten booty to retire.  He gave up the sea forever, remarking that he never wanted to see another ship so long as he lived and the only water he wanted to see was in a bathtub.  He bought some land, as far inland as he could go, and set up business making the great Norwegian delicacy, lutefisk.

The next time you come across the stinking, horrible tasting concoction, remember Thor Knudsen and the anguish he had to go through to get rich enough to make the stuff.

Ruining History for Everyone 2

I couldn’t just stop with debunking Davy Crockett on Humor Outcasts.  I’m on a roll now, so watch out.

Some more historical debunking:

1.      Paul Revere didn’t finish his famous ride.  He ran into a British patrol and had to stop and explain what he was doing out at night, riding a horse, yelling and waking people up.  A couple of other guys who were doing the same thing that night got through and finished the job.  The thing was, Paul Revere’s name was easy to fit into a poem, which is what Henry Wadsworth Longfellow did.  This was great PR, and Paul Revere became a legend even though he actually got caught by the people he was trying to warn everyone else about.

2.    

NOT one of General Washington's
dinner guests

  George Washington didn’t live in a hut with his men at Valley Forge.  He was the General, so he lived in a comfortable, warm house, within view of the soldiers who were living in huts.  They still thought he was a hero and they didn’t see anything wrong with this, which just goes to show you something, although I don’t know what.

3.      Catherine the Great did not die from trying to have sex with a horse.  She died of a stroke, because she was an old lady.  People who didn’t like her thought it would be great fun to make up a scandalous story so they could laugh at her.  Catherine already had a juicy reputation for dalliances with men and everyone knew all the stories, so it took a tall tale like this to even make people pay attention.

4.      Vikings did not wear horned helmets.  They didn’t have to.  They were frightening enough without them.

5.      Marie Antoinette never said, “Let them eat cake.”  Even if she wanted to say it, nobody asked her.

6.      Most educated people in the Middle Ages knew that the earth was round, and nobody really thought that Columbus was going to fall off the edge of the earth, although it might have been better for a lot of Native Americans if he had.

7.      This has not been proved for sure, but there is a good chance that Columbus was not Italian.  He might have told everyone that he came from Genoa to hide his real identity, for fear of winding up in jail or dead.  Apparently, he had a past that the King and Queen of Spain would not have found funny.  I hope if they do finally prove that he wasn’t Italian they won’t tell anyone.  Italian-Americans would have to find another hero to celebrate once a year, and Lee Iacocca Day just doesn’t have the same kind of punch.

8.      Speaking of Italians, opera legend Enrico Caruso did not die onstage in New York City in the middle of a performance.  He died in Italy, where he had traveled, hoping to recover from surgery on an abscessed lung.  Instead, he caught a fresh infection and died – in bed – at the age of 48.

I’ll shut up now.