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| New Worlds to Conquer?? |
Imagine
that now, in 2017 CE, we are living in a world where space travel to other
galaxies is common. New worlds inhabited
by many kinds of life forms, including humanoids, are being found every year. New technologies are being invented every
month. People can be transported from
one place to another in ten seconds. You
get the idea.
Because
it is embedded in their genetic code, the human beings who live on Earth are
eager to explore, take over and rule any habitable planet whose indigenous
population is capable of being overrun.
To this end, the United States and its allies, financed by a couple of
global corporate conglomerates, have built and manned a large fleet of
intergalactic space ships.
The
Intergalactic Ship Empire has landed on a populated planet whose inhabitants call
it Kikass, from an ancient word meaning “Dirt.”
It is an Earth-like planet with a nitrogen-oxygen atmosphere, an
unspoiled place of great natural beauty, loaded with natural resources that the
people of Earth can really use right now.
The people of Kikass are peaceful by nature, but they are known to
become ferocious fighters when they have something to fight about, such as
being invaded by aliens from Outer Space who are after their planet.
The
Captain of The Empire’s name is Shirley Custer.
(His mother was a Shirley MacLaine fan who wanted a girl.) Captain Custer has kidnapped the President of
the largest country on Kikass. Her name means
“The Wise One,” so the officers and crew call her “President Wise.” President Wise is a slim, elegant,
middle-aged Kikassian with turquoise skin, cat-like ears and white hair. Her people think she’s ugly, but they vote
for her, anyway.
The
Captain attempted to interrogate President Wise, but she wasn’t stupid and
wouldn’t talk. When the Captain
blustered that he was going to set her whole planet on fire if she didn’t
answer him, she smiled and said softly, “You’re probably going to do that
anyway, you butt-faced fucker.” The Universal
Translator was set to gloss over obscenities, so the Captain missed the
butt-faced fucker part, which would have upset him and everyone in his church
back home.
It
was now 2:00 Eastern Standard Time on Earth, and the Captain had an appointment
for a videoconference with U.S. President No. 45, who was waiting in the Oval
Office with a few hand-picked toadies, including Mike Pence, Jeff Sessions,
Rick Perry and a middle-aged pole dancer named Busty Chanel, who was picked off
the street after being seen worshipping a photograph of the President.
The
connection went live right at the point where Captain Custer threatened
President Wise and she responded with the butt-faced fucker remark. Busty Chanel gave a loud whoop, startling
everyone else in the room.
“Sorry,”
said Busty. “I’ve been studying Kikassian
and I can read lips. Ooh, what she
called him!”
Because
she was middle-aged and looked it, the men in the room found Busty uninteresting,
so they ignored her.
Captain Custer turned his face to the video screen and
beamed a huge smile.
“Greetings, Mr. President,” he said. “I cannot tell you what a pleasure and honor
it is to be speaking with you today. I
have traveled to many worlds, and have yet to meet a leader like you.”
“Hello, Captain Shirley,” said No. 45.
“Uh, Custer. My name
is Custer, Mr. President. Captain
Custer. I’m Captain of The Intergalactic
Ship Empire.”
“Okay. So what do you
want?”
“Well, uh … you called this conference, Mr. President. I want whatever you want.”
Mike Pence leans over and whispers something in No. 45’s
ear.
“Is that what this is about?” asked No. 45.
“Yes,” said Mike Pence.
“We sent an intergalactic spaceship to Planet Kikass last month. They are supposed to bring useless stuff to
trade to the inhabitants, frighten them, overpower them. You know.
The usual.”
“Did we get anything out of that?”
“That’s what the Captain will tell us, Mr. President,” said
Mike Pence. His face was covered with
the biggest fake smile he could muster.
He was kissing some industrial-sized ass.
“So Captain Whatever-Your-Name-Is, what have you been doing
the last four weeks?” asked No. 45.
“Mr. President, the operation has been a huge success. We landed on Kikass a month ago. We tried to gain their confidence by trading
the stuff we brought, but the natives just laughed at us. Apparently, nobody wants gold-tone chains,
Earth rocks and canned air in exchange for land. They offered to pay us the equivalent of $2
for the whole lot. We tried frightening
them with loud noises and displays of fire power, but they have a well-equipped
army, navy and air force here, as well as a space program as advanced as
ours. I was almost convinced that we had
invaded the wrong planet, but then we lucked out. We managed to kidnap President Wise
here. She’s the President of the
largest, most powerful country on the planet.
I think we have a good bargaining chip here now. Her people love her. If we say we’ll kill her or something, they’ll
give us anything.”
“Are you saying we can’t just go in and bomb the place to
smithereens and take it over?” No. 45
was shouting now. “How am I supposed to
make America great again if we can’t even take over one planet way out there in
space somewhere?”
There was an audible murmur in the conference room, topped
by Mike Pence saying, “That is absolutely right, Mr. President.”
“This man is a god,” piped up Busty, “Just like the Roman
emperors in old times.”
Jeff Sessions was about to shout “Hail, Trump,” but he was
stopped short by President Wise, who finally spoke up.
“Okay, you bunch of idiots,” she said as she stood up and
faced the video screen. “Listen to me,
and listen well! You can kill me and it
won’t make a difference. My Vice
President is well informed and very capable of taking over my office, and he
will. We have a Parliament that works together,
and they will be happy to mobilize all our forces to drive you out of here,
which should take us about 20 minutes, because our army, navy, air force and
space program people all work together and we’re better than you are. Nobody will want you to take over our planet
because life is good here. There haven’t
been any wars in 200 years, unless you count a few stupid invasions like yours. We kicked them all out fast, by the way. Our economy is in great shape. We have very little crime, and almost no
violent crime. Our jails became so empty
that we closed them all and put all our criminals on house arrest. So why would we let you come in here? The answer is, WE WON’T. You’ll be very sorry if you try. Now, if you want to send tourists here, that’s
different. That you can do, if they all
behave themselves while they’re here, spend their money, then go back
home. If you still want to invade us, be
warned. We’re ready for you.”
President Wise sat down again. There was silence in the conference room on
the other end.
“Whose idiot idea was it to invade that place?” shouted No.
45.
Nobody answered. The
other men looked at No. 45 warily under bowed heads.
“We were all misinformed, Mr. President,” said Rick
Perry. “Nobody gave us the right data
about Kikass. So when you told us to
invade it, we thought it was a good idea at the time.”
“Well, get us out of there!” shouted No. 45. He turned to Rick Perry and said, “You are
trying to say it was my idea? You’re
fired!”
No. 45 stomped out of the conference room.
