I
extend my apologies to Raymond Carver and Gordon Lish for stealing eight out of
nine words from the title of that famous short story. It started out as a story called “Beginners”
by Raymond Carver, but, by the time Gordon Lish got through with the editing
job, he almost completely re-wrote the story and changed the title. It was published his way, since he was a
powerful editor and nobody wanted to get on his bad side. End of American Literature minute.
In
my last little article, to be found here, I gave useful tips about how to deal with the availability of workplace
restrooms. In this piece, I would like
to cover the availability, restrictions and rules governing free food and free
coffee.
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| In our dreams! |
Free
Goodies
No
employee is ever paid enough. This fact
is so well known it must be scientific. I
would appreciate it if anyone would steer me toward some genuine research. In the meantime, I am assuming this statement
is true. I know it’s true for me. I can always come up with a better
compensation plan for myself than any employer can come up with.
Because
everybody who works is being paid less than they know they should get,
everybody who works is entitled to whatever perks they can snatch from under
the eyes of their bosses. Warning: this does not include larceny, a co-worker’s
lunch or anything that will seriously piss off other employees. In other words, that brand new all-in-one PC
sitting in its box waiting to be installed may not be removed and taken home,
unless you hate your job so much that going to jail is preferable to showing up
at the office. End of disclaimer. I am not encouraging anyone to commit
crimes. Leave that to the professionals.
Food
that the company has bought and paid for is another thing altogether. Company food is just waiting to be snatched
and devoured. If the food is meant for a
meeting with high-end clients, it is imperative for employees to try to snitch
some of it. If your boss is trying to
impress people, the food is bound to be good, even if it is being served in a
conference room.
The
first, and safest, way to get your share of free conference room food is to watch
the closed door of the room like a cat waiting for a mouse to come out of a
hole, and make a quick dash into the room after everyone in the meeting has
left the area. If you are clever, you
can even dash into the room before they all disappear, claiming it is your turn
to clean the room or turn off the equipment in there. Once you are in the room, you can survey the
wreckage on the food table and rescue anything that looks untouched and still
edible or drinkable. This is the
honorable way to get free food.
If
the meeting attendees were more hungry than usual, or the company was cheap
with the amounts and portions, the honorable way won’t work.
Because
the honorable way is a crap shoot, it is in an employee’s interest to learn the
second way to grab free nourishment, sneaking it out of the room before the
meeting starts. This method requires
planning, dexterity and cleverness. It
helps to have the assistance of co-workers, although it will be necessary to
share the spoils with any accomplices.
The method used to filch the goodies depends a great deal on the
caterer. If the food is brought in on
carts from the company cafeteria, and it is not covered in Saran Wrap, it might
be possible to lift it right from the cart, especially if you have made friends
with the cafeteria staff and they all know you.
If the person wheeling the cart is a hottie, a bit of flirting can earn
you a nice culinary reward, if you are not sued for sexual harassment instead.
If
the food is covered in cling wrap, and the wrap is left on it even after it is
put down on the table inside the conference room, you have a problem. For this, you will need great skill in
opening cling wrap without tearing it, grabbing something, closing it up again,
hiding the loot and leaving the scene.
It is best to practice this at home until you can perform the entire
exercise in 10 seconds or less.
When
your co-worker comes around with the Girl Scout Cookie order sheet, you are
going to look like a stingy jerk if you don’t order at least a couple of
boxes. If you ignore everyone’s advice
to get Thin Mints and buy a kind nobody likes, just sneak them onto the food
table the next time there is a catered meeting.
Someone will eat them.
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| If you don't know what this is, you haven't been paying attention. |
Free
Coffee
Most
offices have a pantry or some other space set aside for that honored, sacred
institution: the office coffeemaker.
The
job of washing the carafe usually falls, by default, on one of the lower-level female
executive assistants. Women have made
great strides in the workplace in the last several decades, but anything
involving cleaning up remains firmly in the category of “women’s work.” If there is no lower level executive
assistant available, the unspoken rule says that any female employee can take
over the job. If there is a choice
between cleaning up and getting her caffeine fix or not cleaning up and going
through minor withdrawal, many women will shut up and wash the f***ing pot.
The
quality of office coffee ranges from great to awful. This depends on the boss. If the boss is a coffee snob, the stuff will
be good. If the boss doesn’t care what
kind of mud is in his/her cup so long as it gives a caffeine kick, it will
probably be the cheaper stuff. My
thoughts about this tragic situation are: (1) if it’s the end of the pay period
and cash is low, hold your nose and drink the free stuff; and (2) at any other
time, go to the Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts up the street.
Executive
assistants are not required to fetch the boss’ coffee anymore. Some bosses take this more seriously than
others. I don’t need to elaborate on
this one.
This
is the end, at least until I come up with something else to warn everyone
about.
