Harmony’s Cat Café and Spa

The Entrepreneur

Someone leaked the news to my cat Harmony that a new Cat Café is opening in Boston.[1]  This put an idea into her little cat brain.  Instead of opening a café where humans can come to have coffee or tea and play with adoptable kitties, she would open a café and spa for cats.  It would be the ultimate feline luxury experience.

I told her not to even think of doing that.  I forgot that she never listens to me.

She didn’t waste any time.  I went out the other day to run some errands and came home to find that my living room had been turned into a cattery.  Every stray and outdoor cat in the neighborhood was there.  Somehow, my cupboard had been raided and all my bowls and small plates were now on the living room floor, filled with milk, water, dry cat food or catnip.  Two tabbies sitting by themselves in a corner were drinking cream from my Rosenthal porcelain teacups.

The kitties nearest the catnip-filled bowls were either running in circles or sprawled on the floor, stoned out of their pint-sized heads.

Harmony saw me standing at the door with my mouth open and came over to me.  She bumped her nose on my leg and rubbed herself against me.  She always does this when she’s trying to butter me up.

“What in this entire universe and beyond have you done?”  I asked, when I could finally speak.

“Isn’t it great?” said Harmony.  “They each paid me one treat to get in, and I have a two-drink minimum at two treats per drink.  Spa treatments cost extra.”

“How did you get my things down from the cupboard?”  I asked.

“I paid the Great Dane across the street to take them down.  He’s clumsy and his breath smells like five-day-old farts, but he’s tall and strong.”

“Get those little hairballs out of here!”

“I can’t do that.  I took payment from them and promised them a complete experience.  If they don’t get what they paid for they’re going to shred every piece of furniture in the apartment.”

I rolled my eyes.  “How long do they plan to stay?”  I asked.

“Uh, well,” said Harmony, “These are the ones who wanted spa treatment.  That’s where you come in.  You have to be the one to give the treatments.  We couldn’t get any other human to do it.”

“Oh no!”  I said.  “Count me out.  I’m not going to take a chance on getting my arms and face shredded!”

“They won’t scratch you,” said Harmony.  “They want the treatments.  They said so themselves, and I made them hold up their right paws and swear they wouldn’t attack my workers.”

I agreed to become a kitty manicurist/bath attendant/masseuse for the afternoon, until we could get all the clients to leave.  I was sorry I made this agreement.  Harmony had lied.  Even though they had all asked for their treatments, they reacted to being massaged, bathed and manicured the same way almost every cat reacts.  By the time the last cat left the apartment, my arms looked like they had been put into a bread slicer and there was blood all over the bathroom.

I put alcohol and bandages on my arms, then proceeded to clean up the mess in the living room.  Harmony gave me some nose nudges and leg rubs, but I ignored her.  I was pissed.

After I cleaned up the living room and washed the dishes, I found Harmony in the living room.  Cats can’t smile, but, if they could, she would have given me the biggest fake smile she could manage.

“If you ever do anything like that again,” I said.  “I’m having cat for breakfast!”

“Ah, you know you love me,” she said.  “I’m little and cute and funny.”

She walked away, slipped into the closet and lay down for a nap.

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[1] https://www.purrcatcafe.com

Life With Harmony the Cat: The Ten Commandments for Humans

I am Dictator of the House,
and you may speak to me
when I deign to notice you.

My name is Harmony and I am a cat.  Now that we have established that, I’ll get to the point.

There is a two-legged, mostly hairless creature who lives in my house.  I call her Big Human.  It has come to my attention that Big Human has often written about me, including here.  It’s only fair to give me equal time.

Typical Human (Female)

Because I do not have fingers or opposable thumbs, I have persuaded Big Human to type this into the Big Flat Thing That Does Funny Stuff.  I did this by staring at her, meowing forcefully and threatening to bite her ankles.  It works every time.

Here are my Ten Commandments for Humans.

1.                   Thou shalt acknowledge The Cat as master and obey The Cat in all things.  If more than one cat shares the domicile, thou shalt obey the Top Cat first, then all the others.

2.                   Thou shalt acknowledge that The Cat is master of the house and owner of all things therein, including porcelain figurines, Christmas nativity statues, hairpins, rubber bands, pens, pencils, Q-tips, jewelry and anything else that is in or about the house, and that The Cat is free to do anything to these items, up to and including hiding them under the furniture and knocking them off the shelves.

3.                   Thou shalt never do anything to annoy thy master The Cat, including poking him in the buttocks or blowing on his ears when he is sleeping in order to make him twitch.

4.                   Thou shalt not ignore thy master’s head butts, nose nudges and leg rubs when it is time to feed her, lest thou suffer a good swatting.

Humans have been known to
throw these at cats when they
don't have a squirt bottle handy.

5.                   Honor thy master at all times, lest she overturn trash cans or do some other mischief to gain thy attention.

6.                   Thou shalt permit thy master to kill bugs, mice, birds and other small prey, thou must not become wrathful when thy master presents thee with dead or half-dead kill, and thou must acknowledge the fine hunting lesson that thy master has just given thee.

7.                   Thou shalt present thy master with choice food of a savory character, served at the right times, with no exceptions.

8.                   Thou shalt provide thy master with attractive scratching posts or pads, or allow thy master to sharpen his claws on the recliner, the sofa or the table legs.

9.                   Thou shalt spay or neuter thy master lest thou be forced to suffer thy master to take part in loud, yowling orgies by the back fence, along with the neighborhood alley cats.

10.               Thou shalt not force thy master to abandon any chair or bed, or any spot where he is taking comfort, lest thy master turn his back on thee and give thee a cold shoulder.

If all humans who live with cats obey the above commandments, you will make us very happy.  A happy cat means a happy household.

Any questions?

Along the Kitty Trail

I love my cat, Harmony.  She's funny and cute and she loves me.  She's also very smart and very mischievous.  I think she secretly laughs at me a lot.  Anyway, she loves to play tricks on me.

Lately, she has been amusing herself by pulling gloves off the top of my dresser and putting them in the bathtub.

Yesterday, she outdid herself.  I came home to find a neatly set out trail of gloves (and one scrunchie), stretching from the dresser, which is in the back of my living room, to a cardboard box that was sitting in the vestibule.  If you don't believe me, here is the evidence.  I promise you, I did not touch any of the items on the floor until AFTER I took the pictures.  This is all Harmony's doing.