The Harebrained Royal Heir

ANNOUNCER:  I present Her Royal Highness Princess Ivory Eugenia Barbie Margaret Dollie Alexandra of the House of Dummschaff, Crown Princess of the Kingdom of Allwettia

PRINCESS:  As you all know, I will soon be Queen, if everything goes right.  My poor father, King Rudolph, known to you commoners as Rudy the Wolf, is dying.  He has had one of these attacks at least once a year for the last 20 years, so there is always a chance that he’ll come through this one.  In that case, I shall remain Crown Princess, and my only duties will be to look good, get married, produce some royal kids, and show up at all the right ceremonies.

You wouldn’t want my life.  Believe me.

By the way, I love a joke as much as the next person.  But will whoever has been posting all those “I’ve had Ivory” notices all over the place, please stop it!  I have never had casual sex in my life.  Well, okay, I’ve had a few encounters with strangers just for the fun of it, but only a few.  And I have never had an illicit affair.  What?  Well, that one doesn’t count.  The Duke and I were only long-term friends with benefits.  We could only get together, anyway, when the Duchess wasn’t home.  Hmm?  No, that one doesn’t count, either. ... Neither does that one. ... Oh, just take those signs down!

You over there – what did you say?  Something about the apple not falling far from the tree?  Well, let me assure you that my father’s reputation is grossly exaggerated.  If he had bedded as many women as everyone says, he wouldn’t have had any time to do anything else.  And the first person who makes a wisecrack from THAT will have his taxes audited for the last 20 years!

It seems that everyone wants to know how much energy I will put into ruling the kingdom.  According to rumor, I have never shown any desire to do any work or anything requiring thinking.  Well, that’s why a Queen has advisors, secretaries, and servants.  After all, I can’t do everything myself, and I can’t think of everything.  It’s much more pleasant if I can trust everyone else to do things right so that all I have to do is sign things and show up at the right parties and balls and whatnot.

Yes, please?  Why, of course, I will be a real monarch!  I will not be a figurehead, even if other people are doing all the real work.  Anyone who has any ideas of taking over my job will be fired.  I plan to keep all the power, with as little trouble to myself as possible.

What will I do for poor people, you ask?  Well, poor people don’t dress well, and they live in such awful houses.  I’m sure they are chagrinned to appear in public.  I will have high walls built around all the poor districts of every city and divert all roads away from poor villages.  This way, the poor can hide from everyone with dignity, and we won’t have to know they are there.

Yes?  No, I will decidedly NOT be imprisoning the poor inside ghettos.  They simply won’t be able to go through the gates unless they are properly dressed.  I can’t help it if they don’t have the money to dress like billionaires.  They’ll have to share, or something.

I beg your pardon!  That remark was not necessary!

I think it’s time for me to flounce out now, so I can go to my room and sulk in peace, like the princess I am.  Good-bye, all.

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Inspired by a writing prompt by Jenalyn Cloward Barton

Posted on Facebook’s Writing Prompts Group on May 14. 2018,

“You may be the rightful heir to the throne, but you’re definitely not the right one for the job.”

Politics 101

Good evening, and welcome to another session of Let’s Talk to Anyone with a Gizmo.  I’m your host, Kathy Minicozzi.  Our guests today are two of the most famous political figures in the world: Her Majesty Queen Cleopatra VII of Egypt and His Majesty Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte of France.  Welcome.

CLEOPATRA:  Thank you.

NAPOLEON:  Merci.

Let’s begin with you, Your Majesty.

CLEOPATRA:  Call me Cleo.

Alright … Cleo.  If you were to advise a beginning politician of today, what do you think is the most important thing you would say?

CLEOPATRA:  Two things.  Get rid of any siblings and give yourself to a powerful man.

You are talking about Julius Caesar, right?

CLEOPATRA:  Who else?  He had the power and I had … well, you know what I had.  If you’ve got enough of it to take a smart, powerful man and turn him into a quivering mass of jelly who will give you anything you want, it’s stupid not to bring it out and flaunt it in his face.

 

... and hope the powerful guy looks like this!

You were in Rome when Caesar was assassinated, right?

CLEOPATRA:  Oof!  Yes.  I wasn’t expecting that to happen.  It was just supposed to be a nice, romantic interlude in Italy.  I had to get away fast before someone came after ME.  I went back to Egypt, where I was queen and people had to do what I told them.  It was safer that way.

It certainly was, and we are glad you escaped.  Your Majesty, Emperor Napoleon, what advice would you give to today’s inexperienced politicians?

NAPOLEON:  Mon Dieu!  What did she say about getting rid of siblings?  No.  You don’t do that.  You build up an army, go into neighboring countries, conquer them and put your brothers on the thrones of those countries!  Family is everything.   It’s hard for a country to rebel if your brother is the king.  You hear that, Joseph?  Don’t say I never did anything for you!

Well …

NAPOLEON:  And I was the most powerful man!  I did not have to seduce anyone in power.  Women fell all over ME!

Yes, well, I guess the Italian family tradition was strong in your case.

NAPOLEON:  Are you crazy?  What Italian tradition?  I am French.  Corsica was owned by France when I was born there, and it still is.  Fifty million Frenchmen say that I am French, so it must be true.

Yes, certainly.

NAPOLEON:  Don’t forget that.

I won’t.  Your Majesty … uh, Cleo … after the death of Caesar, you took up with Mark Anthony.  What was the result of that?

CLEOPATRA:  Well, I thought I had picked another winner, but I miscalculated.  That’s one of the dangers of politics.  You make what you think is a good decision, and you wind up behind the 8 ball.  It happed to Marky and me.  He killed himself, so I did it, too.  I didn’t want to fall on a sword like he did.  That would really hurt, and make a mess.  We had some snakes around for an emergency, so I used one of them.  Much easier.

Your Majesty the Emperor, you were eventually defeated in Russia, and you were finally, once and for all, defeated at Waterloo.  What advice would you give?

NAPOLEON:  Stay away from the Russians.  They don’t mess around.  That place is BIG and it gets really cold in winter.  You have never seen such snow and ice.  They don’t share their stuff with invading armies, either.  Don’t expect them to welcome you with a nice bowl of borscht, unless they are trying to give you a bad case of stomach gas.

Hmmm.

NAPOLEON:  Be careful of the British, too.  They’re tougher than they look.  Wellington wasn’t just a pair of boots!

Well, our time seems to be up.  Thank you, Queen Cleopatra and Emperor Napoleon, for your time and your expertise.

Please join us next week when we will feature some unknown but hilarious humor writers who need people to buy their books.  Until then, good-bye.

The Boomer Life

I never do anything the normal way if I can avoid it.  This includes living my life in the right order.

This could be me, back in the late 60s.  It isn't me,
though.  Sorry.

I was born on the leading edge of the Boomer generation.  I came of age in an exciting time.  My generation protested and demonstrated against racial discrimination, the Vietnam War, and the subjugation of women.  We studied ecology and warned people to protect the earth.  We even went overboard, declaring, “Turn on, tune in, drop out.”  Reefers were passed around at wine and cheese parties, with the wine served in paper cups.  New forms of addictive drugs were developed and sold.  The more reckless among us dropped Acid and hoped they would survive with their brains intact.  Transcendental Meditation became a fad.  Brassieres were burned, boys and men grew long hair and beards.  Women and girls grew long hair, too, including me.  My hair is thick and coarse and it grows at the speed of light.  Growing it so long I could almost sit on it was easy.

Speaking of going overboard, there was easy, open sex.  This was hard for those of us who were still reeling from strong religious upbringings.  We felt like a starving person with Celiac Disease locked in a room with 200 loaves of bread.  It made us envy our friends who could be “spiritual” and wild at the same time without a twang of guilt.

Although I eagerly adopted a hippie look and a somewhat broader outlook than the one I had been raised with, I didn’t take part in any campus demonstrations, although there was plenty to demonstrate about.  I was busy studying music and theater, attempting to get my head together and breaking into an operatic singing career.  Anyone who has ever tried that knows how it sucks every bit of energy and attention from body and brain, especially when you have to work a 9 to 5 job at the same time, to support yourself.

Fast forward to the year 2016.  I was now a senior citizen, complete with AARP membership, senior discounts, arthritic knees, doctor visits and friends who worried about me, even when there was no need to worry.  Suddenly, a loony guy who, up until now, had been only known as a wealthy, obnoxious, egotistical real estate developer was the Republican candidate for President of the United States.  The loony guy proudly shouted his racism, xenophobia, misogyny and whatever other dangerous ideas came into his head.

In other words, this was the Mother of All Causes.

At age 70, I suddenly became what I could have been at age 21:  a protester.  I signed a gazillion online petitions and gave a lot of contributions, which were, by necessity, small.  I am not wealthy, and I would make a terrible bank robber.

When the loony guy was declared President, even though he didn’t win the popular vote, I geared myself to escalate the protesting – after I recovered from being sick over the whole mess.

So here I am, still signing online petitions, still giving small amounts of money, sending postcards, knitting “pussy hats” and trying to talk myself into calling members of Congress, which is something I have a half-phobia against (don’t ask me why).  The only reason I didn’t join the women’s march was that I knew I wouldn’t last more than about 30 minutes because: (1) I have arthritic knees (see above); and (2) we older ladies need accessible bathrooms, which can be hard to find in New York City.  On the other hand, I can yell as loud as I ever could, and I can certainly sing loud, so when the next opportunity to march comes, maybe I’ll go there and stay as long as possible.

Those 30 minutes might count for something.

The Mother of All Causes

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For more of my humor, go here.

The Donald Trump Groupie and Fan Club (Again!)

Humor is one of the best ways to battle hatred and bigotry.  It is in that spirit that I post this piece.  I believe that Donald Trump and his ideas are dangerous, and I strongly hope he will not be elected.  Using humor is one way to fight against him

Kathy Minicozzi

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THE DONALD TRUMP GROUPIE AND FAN CLUB NEWSLETTER

October, 2016

Annabel Lee Longfellow Stump who always edits these newsletters won’t return my calls, unfriended me on Facebook and spits on my shoe when I go to talk to her.  I have nobody to correct grammar and spelling.  My ten-year-old son, who corrected me some on the last newsletter, didn’t want to do it again because he said it’s stupid and he doesn’t want to look stupid to the whole world.  I told him this newsletter doesn’t go out to more than ten people, which isn’t the world, and if he didn’t help me out I’d take away his iPhone for a week.  So I got him to edit for me.  If there are any mistakes, it’s his fault, not mine.

(The statements made in this newsletter are strictly those of my mother and have nothing whatsoever in the whole universe to do with me or any of my friends.  The author’s ten-year-old son, who can’t wait until he turns 18 and makes his escape.)

So I guess you all saw the two debates on TV.  Don’t you just LOVE the way our Donald can talk around any question they throw at him and end up talking about something else that has nothing to do with the question?  That’s a gift, I tell you.  Hillary can’t do that.  She stays right on the subject they want her to talk about except when she’s claiming that something Donald said wasn’t true.  Donald finds all kinds of bad things to say about her.  He really pays attention to all the gossip and loves to repeat it, which we all know is the best way to find things out, especially when someone is going after a job you want.

I admit I blushed a little (okay, a lot) when I played that video where Donald was talking like a sailor in a house of ill repute.  Well, men are like that.  If I met him and he grabbed me by the hoo-hah I’d just slug him and get it over with and then we could be friends because I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t do that again and get slugged again.  Men have been grabbing women and talking dirty since the time of Adam and Eve and women have either just taken it or hit the guy and told him off.  That’s the way the human race was created and that’s just the way it is.

Anyway, Donald apologized.  If a man says he’s sorry you have to forgive him even if you figure he didn’t mean it.  Donald apologized for talking trash and we just have to act like it was nothing, even if we won’t un-hear those words for a long time.  That’s only civilized, right?

If my husband ever did that to other women and I found out about it I’d divorce him, but that’s a whole other story.

I’ll have more to say in the next newsletter.

Respectfully submitted,

Melisande Albina Dummschlager (“MAD”)

President

The Donald Trump Groupie and Fan Club

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DISCLAIMER:  Aside from the name Donald Trump, all of the names in this piece came out of the author’s imagination and are not meant to represent any person, living or deceased.  In addition, The Donald Trump Groupie and Fan Club is a figment of the author’s imagination, and not meant to represent any group in existence at any time.

The Donald Trump Groupie and Fan Club

Humor is one of the best ways to battle hatred and bigotry.  It is in that spirit that I post this piece.  I believe that Donald Trump and his ideas are dangerous, and I strongly hope he will not be elected.  Using humor is one way to fight against him.  I usually steer clear of political humor, but I feel challenged to write this.

Kathy Minicozzi

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THE DONALD TRUMP GROUPIE AND FAN CLUB NEWSLETTER

August, 2016

First off, the person who always edits everything I write, Annabel Lee Longfellow Stump, got mad at me yesterday and stomped out.  I counted on her to correct my grammar and stuff because she went one year to Community College before she flunked out.  So I got nobody to put this in high toned language.  My ten-year-old son, bless his heart, went in and corrected my spelling and put in some punctuation and took out some bad language, so at least this isn’t illiterate.

(I deny any involvement with this newsletter other than some minor editing, which was done under parental duress, and the ideas presented here are most emphatically those of my mother, not me.  The author’s unnamed ten-year-old son.)

Why do we drool and pass out over Donald Trump?  Well, that guy is HOT!  Okay, he looks like an old orangutan, and that hair isn’t going to ever lie right on his head.  He’s stuck on himself, he’s insensitive, he’s bigoted and he’s bad tempered.  But there are other things about him that cause us to ignore how he looks, talks and acts.  He’s super rich, he has a lot of power and he’s famous.  You can overlook a lot in a man if he has those three qualities.

And we all know he’s hung like a horse.  He said so himself, in front of the whole world.  And sticking his hands in the air was a lot more classy than showing himself.  You got to give him credit for that.

You hear a lot about a wall he wants to put up down along the border to keep the Mexicans out.  I got nothing against Mexicans.  Some of my best friends are Mexicans.  My daughter went out with a Mexican til I chased him off with a shotgun.  I’m just afraid the whole country of Mexico is sitting down there waiting to sneak across and steal all the low-paying, crummy jobs that a lot of us depend on and marry our kids and make us all speak Spanish, even if we still have trouble with English.  Well, Donald Trump has promised to protect us from all the poor folks down there who want a better life up here, and he figures building a wall will do it.  I don’t know how he figures to keep people from learning how to go over that wall, but I’m sure he’ll get up a plan of some kind.

As for that family who lost their son in Iraq, I’m a little suspicious of anyone named Khan.  You remember that Star Trek movie, The Wrath of Khan?  Well, it makes you wonder.  That Khan in the movie was a villain.  And his name was Khan.  Now we got a family named Khan.  Would you feel sorry for them, with that name?  I think our Donald remembers the movie and can’t separate those people from Ricardo Montalban with white hair and wrinkles.  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it because I don’t have a better one.

As for Hillary Clinton – well, isn’t one president in the family enough?  They just got to have TWO?  The rest of us don’t get that right.  Just cause she’s real smart and experienced and all don’t mean she has to go in and hog the president job for the Clintons.  She ought to give someone else a chance.

Yes, I know our Donald likes to talk and he says things he ought not to say in front of people, but I believe with all my heart that he don’t mean a lot of it.  He can’t mean a lot of it cause he’d be stupid if he did.  You also got to admire his wife for not knuckling under to what other people wrote for her to say.  She heard some good things from other people and used them.  How was she supposed to know that people actually pay attention to what Michelle Obama says?

Some people are scared that our Donald will turn out to be a dictator or something.  Well, I kind of like the idea of being told what to do.  When I have to think too much my head hurts.

Respectfully submitted,

Melisande Albina Dummschlager (“MAD”)

President

The Donald Trump Groupie and Fan Club

  

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DISCLAIMER:  Aside from the name Donald Trump, all of the names in this piece came out of the author’s imagination and are not meant to represent any person, living or deceased.  In addition, The Donald Trump Groupie and Fan Club is a figment of the author's imagination, and not meant to represent any group in existence at any time.