Women are Like … What Again?

I have been reading Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys (published by Ballantine Books and available on Amazon.com, which is where I found it).  Dave Barry is one of my idols.  One of these days, if I work hard, I’ll be able to write like that.  Hope springs eternal in the human heart.  Somebody was the first to come up with that quote, but I won’t tell you who it was because I don’t feel like looking it up right now.[1]

Now that there is a guide to guys on the market, I thought it would be fair to give equal attention to us women.  I appointed myself to the job, because I am eminently qualified, being a woman.  Besides that, it’s my idea and I got here first.

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A Couple of Old Timey Ideas That Are a Crock of You-Know-What

Old Timey Man and Woman

To start with, women are not scatterbrained, weak or helpless.  If you don’t believe this, try any of the following traditionally female occupations: 

•       Childbirth
• .       Raising children and keeping a house clean
• .       Raising children and keeping a house clean while working full-time outside the home
• .       Keeping the boss organized and the office running smoothly, including handling emergencies 

If that’s scatterbrained, weak and helpless, I’m Cleopatra.  By the way, she wasn’t scatterbrained, weak or helpless, either.

While we’re at it, women are not either saintly and virginal or whores.  We are somewhere in between.  Most of us have a healthy sex drive, and, like men, it ranges in intensity, depending on the person.  The range includes everything from: 

• .       Able to do without it, needing the right kind of stimulation to get going
• .       Horny as hell and ready
• .       Some combination of the two, depending on circumstances
• .       Any degree in between 

And, just like our male counterparts, women share information with each other.  If you don’t believe me, listen in sometime to a bunch of college women, especially if they are a little bit high.  Yes, men get reputations, too.  This includes married men, because wives who are friends talk among each other, and not just about kids and quick recipes.

If women did not have a sex drive, there would be no market for vibrators, especially the ones that fit into lady parts.

In the meantime, a man who plays around indiscriminately earns the admiration and envy of other men, unless he comes down with an STD or ends up in jail or something.  A woman who does the same is considered the neighborhood skank.  Considering that, unless you are pleasuring yourself, it takes at least two people to perform a sex act, it isn’t fair to bow down in admiration to one of them and blame the other one.  They are both in on it.

(DISCLAIMER:  I am not advocating promiscuous and/or indiscriminate sex.  I want to make that clear, in case anyone thinks I said that or hinted at it above, which I didn’t.)

This is probably going to turn into some kind of series on this blog, so stay tuned.

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[1] I gave in and looked it up.  It’s from “An Essay on Man” by Alexander Pope.  I feel better now.

Ruining History for Everyone 2

I couldn’t just stop with debunking Davy Crockett on Humor Outcasts.  I’m on a roll now, so watch out.

Some more historical debunking:

1.      Paul Revere didn’t finish his famous ride.  He ran into a British patrol and had to stop and explain what he was doing out at night, riding a horse, yelling and waking people up.  A couple of other guys who were doing the same thing that night got through and finished the job.  The thing was, Paul Revere’s name was easy to fit into a poem, which is what Henry Wadsworth Longfellow did.  This was great PR, and Paul Revere became a legend even though he actually got caught by the people he was trying to warn everyone else about.

2.    

NOT one of General Washington's
dinner guests

  George Washington didn’t live in a hut with his men at Valley Forge.  He was the General, so he lived in a comfortable, warm house, within view of the soldiers who were living in huts.  They still thought he was a hero and they didn’t see anything wrong with this, which just goes to show you something, although I don’t know what.

3.      Catherine the Great did not die from trying to have sex with a horse.  She died of a stroke, because she was an old lady.  People who didn’t like her thought it would be great fun to make up a scandalous story so they could laugh at her.  Catherine already had a juicy reputation for dalliances with men and everyone knew all the stories, so it took a tall tale like this to even make people pay attention.

4.      Vikings did not wear horned helmets.  They didn’t have to.  They were frightening enough without them.

5.      Marie Antoinette never said, “Let them eat cake.”  Even if she wanted to say it, nobody asked her.

6.      Most educated people in the Middle Ages knew that the earth was round, and nobody really thought that Columbus was going to fall off the edge of the earth, although it might have been better for a lot of Native Americans if he had.

7.      This has not been proved for sure, but there is a good chance that Columbus was not Italian.  He might have told everyone that he came from Genoa to hide his real identity, for fear of winding up in jail or dead.  Apparently, he had a past that the King and Queen of Spain would not have found funny.  I hope if they do finally prove that he wasn’t Italian they won’t tell anyone.  Italian-Americans would have to find another hero to celebrate once a year, and Lee Iacocca Day just doesn’t have the same kind of punch.

8.      Speaking of Italians, opera legend Enrico Caruso did not die onstage in New York City in the middle of a performance.  He died in Italy, where he had traveled, hoping to recover from surgery on an abscessed lung.  Instead, he caught a fresh infection and died – in bed – at the age of 48.

I’ll shut up now.