Cheerful Old People

It’s a stereotype:  the elderly curmudgeon.  You know:  the old guy who yells at neighborhood kids whenever they get within ten feet of his yard; the gray haired woman who complains when you walk too loudly; the two old ladies who sit on the porch, whisper to each other and glare at everyone who passes by; and what have you.  It gives all older people a bad name.

 

Don't let that smile fool you.  He buries things in his backyard.

Most of us over-60 types are nice, pleasant people, but that doesn’t get you the same kind of attention that you can get by slugging people with a cane while simultaneously cursing in two different languages.  That gets immediate attention, although probably not the kind the perpetrator wants.

Even though we constitute a majority of the senior population, we nice oldsters deserve some credit for existing as nice people, because it isn’t easy.  Have you ever tried to be cheerful when your back is hurting, your arthritis is flaring, you have to go to the bathroom ten times a day and you only got about three hours of sleep the night before because you kept waking up every hour?  What if, in addition, you can’t get anywhere without a cane, a walker or a power chair anymore, when you were once your college’s track and field champion?

How many young people do you know who could avoid turning into a wet blanket under those circumstances?  I thought so.

I have a theory, and it goes like this.  It’s a good thing that age sneaks up on us slowly, because that gives us a chance to get used to all the ailments.  If you get used to having ailments, you can either minimize them or make the most of them.  If you minimize your ailments you can still be a fun person.  If you make the most of them, you can get out of doing things you don’t want to do, anyway.  In either case, you can have some fun.

I prefer to minimize ailments.  My ailments are boring even to me, so I can imagine how tiresome it is for other people to hear about them.  The subject of osteoarthritis is interesting to doctors.  I like to leave it that way.  There are more interesting things to talk about, such as books, movies, music, how we Baby Boomers shook the universe – that kind of thing.

 

These people know how to have a good time!

There is one thing, though, that can turn even the Little Mary Sunshines among us into temporary harpies:  being treated as if we are nuisances instead of human beings.  Yes, some of us walk slowly.  We can’t help it.  Go around us when you can, and get over it.  There are some among us who are in the first stages of dementia, and might ask the same question or make the same remark every five minutes.  Yelling at them doesn’t help, because they don’t know we are repeating something they already said.  If they did know, they wouldn’t say it again.  Besides, they are not going to remember five minutes from now that you yelled at them.  Smile, answer them and pretend you never heard the thing before.  If you are working in a place that is supposed to provide help to us, don’t snap at us for asking questions.  To you, it’s an interruption in your workday; to us it might be something critical to our lives.

Growing older isn’t easy, but that doesn’t mean the fun is over.

No, this attractive older woman is not me.  I wish it were.

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Kathy Minicozzi is the author of "Opera for People Who Don't Like It", which is available on Amazon.com in paperback and Kindle formats.

Cheap Thrills for Seniors

Does this look like an obscene phone caller?

There are two things that are true about many or most senior citizens:

1.     We’re bored;

2.     We’re broke and/or we still expect to pay 1970 prices for everything.  We never buy anything that doesn’t come from a thrift shop or a flea market and, even then, we complain that it’s too expensive.  We are paying a ridiculously low rent, because we won’t move from the rent-controlled 5^th floor walk-up apartment we have been living in for 40 years.

This leaves us with a big problem:  how to have some fun without spending any money.  Here are some suggestions.

Make your hearing aid squeal into your ear.  The achievable level of noise depends on the freshness of the battery and your own manual skill.  You should be able to get up a good decibel level just by passing your hand over the device.  Some people will wonder why this is classified as fun.  If someone can explain that to me, I will be happy.

Ride your power chair on the sidewalk, and, whenever you hit a bump, yell “Oops!  There goes another one!”  Make note of the looks you get from people.

Make an anonymous obscene phone call to the pastor of your church.  When you see him/her on Sunday, act as if naughty words would never leave your lips and you have a shining halo around your head.

Go to the movies.  Oops!  You have to spend money for that.  Scratch that idea.  Wait until it comes on the cable TV that your grandson so kindly showed you how to steal from the people next door.

Goose people on the rear with your cane.  This is even more fun if you can get them to jump.  When they turn around and come after you with the intention of squashing you like a bug, put on the helpless old person act and get everyone around you to gang up on your assailant.

Remain silent while everyone around you talks, then suddenly come up with an intelligent, well thought out, educated commentary.  This will shock everyone, especially the ones who think that everyone over 60 is senile.

This is only a handful of the things that we seniors can do to take the boredom out of our lives.  You just need some imagination, a willingness to look ridiculous and maybe get arrested, and a lot of freakin’ nerve.