Primitive man did not know about cooking until someone discovered how to light a fire one day. The technique went viral, and people everywhere enjoyed having heat in the winter. Then some prehistoric klutz dropped a piece of meat into a fire, spit out a few curses, fished it out, and ate it, thereby discovering cooking. The culinary art spread over the world. Suddenly, fewer people died of food poisoning, food tasted better, and the population flourished. We, the descendants of these ancient chefs, have inherited the tradition of partially burning almost everything we eat.
Some people love to cook. To these people, a kitchen is heaven, and the smells and sounds of prepared food are like the singing of a heavenly choir.
I am not one of those people.
It’s not that I don’t know how to cook. Like all girl children of my generation, I was taught to cook, iron clothes, clean the house, and sew, the idea being that I would probably get married right out of high school or college and spend the rest of my days doing those things. My mother and grandmother made valiant efforts to domesticate me, with mixed results. I was determined to be a professional singer, even at a young age, and in my mind, that did not jive with slaving over a hot stove, vacuuming rugs, or ironing clothes. However, what they taught stuck with me, resulting in me not being a complete slob.
Getting back to the subject, I’m not particularly eager to cook. I’ll do it if I have to, but I refuse to enjoy it, especially if it involves a lot of preparation and complication. I’m satisfied if I can sprinkle a little salt and pepper on something, toss it into a nonstick frying pan and leave it there until it’s done enough to eat without the risk of dying. This is very rarely possible, though, because of things called recipes. You must know what you’re doing if you want to cook something that won’t make you want to vomit. This usually means following directions invented by someone else who did know what they were doing and trusting the results will turn out the way they are supposed to turn out.
In addition to a stove, you need the right equipment and supplies to follow a recipe. This includes measuring cups, measuring spoons, frying pans, baking pans, saucepans, sieves, spatulas, wooden spoons, knives, timers, olive oil, vegetable oil, butter, salt, pepper, garlic … you get the idea. The list never ends. You also need a place to prop up your recipe so that you can look at it every thirty seconds to ensure you aren’t messing everything up. That is important, especially when dealing with such things as garlic and salt. Please don’t ask me how I know this.
So what does a non-cook like me do when faced with using fire to improve the way food comes naturally? Well, it goes something like this.
Defrosting the Meat
If you have been doing the right thing and keeping your meat in the freezer, you will need to defrost it. You can do this in a couple of ways. The first way is to take it out of the freezer and put it in the fridge. This is a safe way to do it without a mess. The only problem is it takes forever. You can’t suddenly remember in the middle of the day that you forgot to take the meat out of the freezer because when you are ready to cook it, it will still be as frozen as an igloo in winter. You must be organized enough to take it out of the freezer early in the day.
Another method is the microwave for people who can’t remember to put their keys away, let alone take the meat out of the freezer. This requires a certain amount of technical ability to figure out how to do this. Once you figure it out, it’s easy, or it should be, but the problem is it’s messy. The microwave will ask you to turn the meat over in the middle of the operation, which requires handling. To know if the meat is defrosted, you must handle it again. All you can think of is “salmonella,” so you wash your hands every time, which is a pain in the ass.
Pre-heating the Oven
If you have an old-fashioned stove, this is easy. You turn the knob to the desired temperature and wait for the oven to heat up.
If you have one of the newfangled cooking machines with a digital oven, you must figure out how to use it. If you are a genius, this is easy. For the rest of us, it takes time and brainpower. People who can’t even use email without messing up will have a hard time with this. Once you figure it out, of course, you wonder what all the fuss was about because all you have to do is press buttons. Of course, the next time you use the stove, you must remember which buttons to press. This is a whole other problem for the technically challenged.
Stoves with digital ovens let you know when the oven is ready, usually about a half-hour before you need it.
Preparing Vegetables
First, you have to wash them. Raw veggies come with germs and sometimes anti-bug spray all over them. So you take a handful of whatever you are dealing with and turn on the faucet, hoping you won’t drop half your handful into the sink and have to wash it all over again. If you’re smart and don’t mind dirtying up yet another thing you’ll have to wash later, you can use a colander.
Cutting raw veggies is another thing; this requires a knife, which requires coordination. If you are cutting carrots into ½ inch pieces, ensure you don’t cut your fingers into ½ inch pieces, too. Oh, and use a cutting board. Your kitchen counter will thank you.
Cooking Meat and Fish
Don’t ask me why, but you must “brown” meat and fish before putting them in the oven. Just do it, and don’t complain.
If you are a safety fanatic, buy a meat thermometer and ensure your stuff cooks at the right temperature. You probably won’t bother doing this if you are average. Just be sure your animal-based food is cooked all the way through, and you probably won’t die from eating it. I haven’t died yet, or I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this.
The Easy Way
Buy a pre-prepared meal or some takeout and stick it in the microwave.
What to Do Afterward
Eat the food you have cooked. If you don’t live by yourself, give some of it to the lucky people who share your domicile.
You will have a sink and a stovetop full of dirty dishes, utensils, and pans. If you are lucky, you can put them in a dishwasher and press a button. You’ll have to wash them all by hand if you are not lucky because they will not wash themselves. Do it and get it over with.
I hope this little instruction sheet has helped whoever needed help before reading this. If not, I hope I didn’t confuse you too much.
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