The Adventures of Hubert the Fly
“Good evening. This is your roving reporter Roberta Ribbits with today’s News of the Eccentric. I am on the corner of 239th Street and Bailey Avenue in The Bronx. As you all know, many people eschew the idea of adopting a dog or a cat and choose instead to acquire exotic pets. Standing next to me here is Ms. Florence Fadibber, who owns the most exotic pet of all, a common housefly."
“He’s not common. He’s very uncommon. If he were common, everyone would have one.”
“I’m sorry. Yes. An uncommon house fly. I guess he’s in that mason jar you’re holding. What’s his name?”
“Hubert. I named him after my ex-husband. There, there, Hubert. It’s all right. Sweetie. She’s a nice lady. She just wants to get to know you. N-i-i-ce flykins.”
“Uh. Yes. Hello, Hubert. Tell me, Ms. Fadibber, how long have you had your pet fly? And what on earth made you adopt him?”
“Well, I was thinking about getting a pet, but I didn’t want to go through all the rigamarole they make you go through in shelters to make sure you’re suitable. I just wanted to find an animal and take it home, you know? So one day Hubert flew into my kitchen while I was making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and the rest is history. I caught him in the mason jar, and he's been mine ever since. I’ve had him for a year. Right, Hubert? Look at him. Isn’t he just SO CUTE with those huge red eyes? I love the way he looks at me.”
"Don't houseflies only live about 3 to 5 weeks? How did he get to be a year old?"
“It’s what I feed him. He gets Wheaties and spinach, blended together. I am careful to give him only the healthiest food. No garbage for him, and certainly no feces!”
“I won’t ask how you feed him.”
“Well ... “
“I don’t want to know, really. Anyway, our time is almost up.”
“Well, I do it this way. I just open the jar a little, like this. ... Oh no! He got out! HELP! He’s flying away! Hubert! Come back, Hubert! HUBERT!!”
“Well, there she goes. Florence Fadibber the Fly Lady. ... Ooh, what just landed on my arm? (*swat*) ... Uh oh! What have I done? Hubert, is that you? Hubert? ... Uh, back to the newsroom. ... Hubert?”