Women Are Like ... What Again?

This is the third installment in what is apparently becoming a series.

Women and the Movies

Most of us enjoy a good movie.  The question is, what movie and why.

Science Fiction Action Movies

They have excitement, explosions, chases, fights, shooting, explosions, objects that can destroy the universe, people getting into cosmic messes in places far away from earth, and explosions.  Some of them also have ugly monsters who have a lot of fun making life impossible for humans.  Muscular, hunky robots are also common.  Sometimes they are the good guys, but to us Real Women who are heterosexually oriented that isn’t as important as the hunk factor.

A guy might suggest going to see the latest sci-fi action flick because he loves special effects, fights, explosions and monsters.  He imagines himself in the role of the hero, vanquishing evil all over the cosmos and protecting everyone from some painful annihilation dreamed up by an imaginative screenwriter.

The guy’s girlfriend will be happy to go with him, but her priorities will be checking out all the hot male stars and admiring the female lead for being able to fight and shoot like a man.  She will wish she looked as good as said female lead in those tight, body-hugging costumes.  Special effects and fights are entertaining, but she can take them or leave them.  The plot of the movie and the sexiness of the onscreen males are most important, especially if the plot includes romance or cute characters like Rocket Raccoon and Baby Groot in http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3896198/ Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2.

James Bond Movies

These films are in a class of their own.  James Bond is the ultimate Sexy Hot Heavy-Breathing Inducing Movie Guy, whether he is played by Sean Connery or Daniel Craig.  The fact that he only hangs around with stunning women who look 500 times better than any of us doesn’t bother us heterosexual Real Women, because we all daydream about being Bond girls – at least the ones who don’t get killed.  Getting killed puts a real damper on the fun.

I mean, even Miss Moneypenney can’t get near him, and she’s not exactly ugly.  She just doesn’t look as good as Ursula Andress or Jane Seymour.  I think Mr. Bond should reassess his priorities.

James Bond is cool.  He never has to buy a car, courtesy of the British government, and he can drive like a maniac and never get a traffic ticket.  His cars have all kinds of gadgetry, and he’s so smart all it takes is one little demonstration session with Q and he is automatically quick acting and competent at all of them.  For those of us who must pour over instructions word by word to learn to operate a simple kitchen appliance, this is an incredible feat of genius.  I wonder if Q slips an instruction brochure under the driver’s seat, in case 007 forgets how to operate the cigarette lighter bomb or the exhaust pipe torpedo.
... or how to shoot a gun

James Bond can’t be bothered going undercover.  He announces his name out loud to everyone who can hear him: “Bond.  James Bond.”  That takes real moxie.  It’s stupid, but it takes moxie.

He likes his Martinis shaken, not stirred.  I don’t know the difference myself, but, when he isn’t killing someone or chasing A-list women, he has real class, at least when it comes to mixed drinks.

When offered a choice between Goldfinger or The Terminator on cable TV, a Real Woman is going to choose Goldfinger, unless a guy who is ready to defend it to the death has control of the remote.

Member of the Bond Girl
Gene Pool

Guys want to be like Humphrey Bogart.  Women want to be courted by him.  Guys wonder why the Ingrid Bergman character doesn’t leave Victor Laszlo and stay with Rick so the two of them can take up the great sex they had been having in Paris behind Victor’s back.  Women understand that the movie must end the way it does, but it’s just so ROMANTIC that way, especially for those of us who cry at sad movies.  After all, the problems of three little people aren’t worth … well, you know.[1]

This brings us to the subject of romantic movies in general.

Romantic Movies

Most Real Women are suckers for sappy onscreen romance, especially the kind that is not likely to ever happen in real life at any time, ever.  How many street hookers wind up with billionaire boyfriends?  Come to think of it, how many street hookers look like Julia Roberts and how many billionaires look like Richard Gere?[2]

Back in the 1920s, women were fainting with desire over Rudolph Valentino and sighing when he hooked up with an onscreen love.

Things haven’t changed much.

[1] In case you have been living on another planet for the last several decades, that’s a quote from Casablanca.
[2] Pretty Woman, okay?  There.  I gave the proper credit.


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