Do Cats Really Rule, or Is That Just What They Would Like Us to Think?

It's Sunday afternoon and my cat Harmony won't let me take my usual nap on the armchair in the living room.  It isn't dinner time, so that's not the reason she was rubbing against me, meowing at me and poking me with her nose.

She wanted to play, and she wanted attention.  So I flashed the little red laser dot until it looked like she was getting bored with it.  By that time I had already given up on the idea of a nap and was at the computer.  She left me alone for a bit, then I started to feel something hairy tickling my leg.  I was being buttered up again.

This time she wanted me to take an old rolled-up magazine, poke her with it and make her jump for it.  This is a cat's idea of fun.  It is somehow intertwined with her putting her head into a large paper bag.  When her head is in the bag, I'm supposed to poke her butt and her feet with the magazine.  When she comes out of the bag I'm supposed to hold it up and make her jump for it, in between the various pokes.  I have my friend Michelle to thank for this.  She was the one who introduced Harmony to this game, and now Her Felineness expects me to play it, too.

This game requires a certain amount of skill on the part of the human, to avoid accidental bloodletting, but those of us who live with cats expect a certain number of accidents, anyway.  It comes with the critter, especially if the human is fond of playing games like "paper bag and magazine" or tickling the kitty when she is trying to sleep, just to watch her twitch.

Unfortunately, I do not find these games as intellectually or physically stimulating as Harmony does.  They do, however, afford me many opportunities to laugh at her.  This is one thing that cats are definitely useful for:  laughs. This is our secret.  The kitties think we are laughing with them, when, in reality, we are subjecting them to things that we, as humans, would consider humiliating.  Would you want someone to take your picture while you were lying spread-eagled on your back with everything showing?  Well, okay ... MOST of us wouldn't.  And if we did, we wouldn't want people laughing at us.

As soon as I can figure out how to use my new video camera (meaning as soon as I take it out of its wrapper and read the instructions), Harmony will become an automatic subject.  Watch out for her on YouTube.  She'll be the one with her head in a paper bag, being poked in the butt with a magazine.

An Interview With the Archangel Gabriel

There have always been questions for which humanity has been dying, sometimes literally, for an answer. Why do bad things happen? What happens after we die? Why do some people want to kill other people for stupid reasons? When is the world going to end? What number will win the Powerball lottery?

Who is better to talk to than God’s messenger himself, the Archangel Gabriel. I met him on 47th Street and Broadway, where he was polishing his trumpet in preparation for a couple of hours of busking in between delivering angelic messages to the cast of Altar Boyz. He agreed to give me an interview.

ME: Thank you, Archangel Gabriel, for …

GABRIEL: Oh, just call me Gabe. Everyone else does.

ME: Well, tell me … uh, … Gabe, is this the way you always look or can you take on any human form?

GABRIEL: I stick to one look. An elderly man in a blue shirt and blue slacks. It makes my job easier. I used to appear to people right out of the air, with my wings on and wearing a long robe. It scared the stuffing out of them. Sometimes I had to peel people up off the ground. I finally stopped doing that. No wings, no sudden appearances, just a harmless looking old guy carrying a horn.

ME: Well it works for me. Anyway, my first question is what do you think of the shooting in the Sikh temple in Milwaukee a couple of days ago?

GABRIEL: What’s to think? God said very plainly, “Thou shalt not kill.” You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to know what that means. It means what it says. Do not kill. Period. You’re not allowed to kill anybody, anywhere, no matter who. I wish I could hammer that into the heads of every deluded idiot in the world. And I wish that people would stop saying that God wants them to kill, because that is a bald-faced, flat lie. Oh, and another thing … God hates being used as an excuse for starting wars. My advice is, stay away from doing that. It’s a rotten idea.

ME: The suspect was apparently a white supremacist.

GABRIEL: I know. I give myself a migraine trying to give God’s messages to those morons. They can afford to shave their heads. Their skulls are so thick their heads don’t need any other covering.

ME: Were you down here when 9/11 happened?

GABRIEL: Yeah. I had to take a vacation from Earth for a while after that one. I went back to Heaven for a nice rest and to get some good therapy from God, in private. I got to accompany the Heavenly Choir on my horn while I was there. Very nice.

ME: Are you aware that your head is glowing?

GABRIEL: Oh, not again! That’s only supposed to happen when I’m about to reveal myself as an angel and say just the right words to some poor soul. The tech angels promised to fix this problem, but it’s hard to get them to do anything quickly. Just ignore it for now.

ME: No problem. Do you have any advice for us regarding global warming?

GABRIEL: Yes. Listen to the scientists. They know what they’re talking about. And don’t just ignore the problem. Try to help the people who are trying to do something about it. Put as much pressure as you can on the ones who are doing the worst destruction. God gave you a beautiful planet. It’s up to all of you to take care of it. That isn’t rocket science. It’s common sense.

Gabriel shook his head and heaved a big sigh.

GABRIEL: You talk and talk and talk, and you’re lucky if one person listens. Sometimes I wish I had just stayed up there (pointing to the sky) instead of being so eager when God asked for volunteers.

ME: Well, Altar Boyz is about to start, and I have a ticket. I’m afraid I’m going to have to cut this short for now. It has been a real pleasure to talk to you, and I hope I can come around again. I really want to hear what you have to say.

GABRIEL: Any time. The pleasure has been mine.


This piece, along with illustrations and comments, can be found here:  An Interview With the Archangel Gabriel on HumorOutcasts