Master Class

My senior center offered me a year’s membership to the Master Class website free of charge.  Of course, I took advantage of this offer.  The site offers a cornucopia of courses taught by famous, highly successful people.  As a would-be writer, I found this too tempting to pass up.  Where else could I get classes taught by the likes of David Sedaris and Joyce Carol Oates?  I lept at the chance.

In my defense, I have taken the complete course offered by David Sedaris.  I found it very informative and David Sedaris very captivating.  I have also begun to take Joyce Carol Oates’ class.  However, I have that one on “pause” right now.  Instead, I went through a course in comedy by Steve Martin.  I have no ambition to become a standup comedian.  The idea of standing in front of an audience trying to be funny gives me royal conniptions.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love performing.  I have spent most of my adult life as a professional opera and concert singer.  I just don’t like the kind of performing where you have to talk extemporaneously instead of singing and where people can talk back to you if they don’t like you.  So why did I go all the way through a course by Steve Martin?  If you know the answer to that question, please tell me.

I am now going through a course in Country Music taught by Reba McEntire.  I don’t sing country music.  I like it, but I don’t sing it.  I have an operatic voice, and any attempt by me to sing in country style sounds ridiculous.  So why do I find this course fascinating while Joyce Carol Oates’ class is still on hold?  Again, please don’t ask me.  You’ll just get a silly answer.

I think my next class will be on writing or something related to it.  After all, my year’s subscription to the site will expire, and I will have to decide if I want to pay their yearly price and continue.  I’d better get all the writing instruction I can before the decision-making time comes if I choose to be frugal for a change.

In the meantime, Reba McEntire will still tell me how to sing country music, whether I plan to do it or not.

Winter in Spring, 2022

Our weather has gone crazy.  Blame global warming for this, I guess.  Something is screwy.  Here it is, late March, and we have had two days of winter weather, complete with snow flurries, after experiencing the beginning of spring.  What the ....  What is up?

Sitting in my apartment, I am wearing a lightweight muumuu barefoot because it is so warm here with the heat on that bundling up is not an option.  If I wanted to deal with my stuck windows, I could open them and get some fresh, cool air.  I long for the usual winter draft through my back door, except it is not coming through there right now.  Winter drafts are like police officers because they’re never around when you need one.

Of course, this means that I can’t go outside for a walk or even a few minutes of fresh air unless I want to bundle up in a coat and socks, which I am reluctant to do to step outside the apartment for a few minutes on a day when it should be spring.

Bummer!

In addition, our building has re-instated a mask directive.  This means that I have to remember to put a mask on my face, even if all I am doing is going to the lobby on my floor to check my mail.

I guess I’ll stay inside here and moan.

The World According to Harmony the Cat

In any dispute with the human(s) of the house, the opinions and desires of the cat take precedence.  The cat is the undisputed ruler of the premises, otherwise known as the territory.  There are no exceptions to this.

The house or apartment, and everything in it, belong to the cat.  The cat allows the human(s) to live there and use the furniture and other items because humans are useful.  They have opposable thumbs, capable of opening cans of food and performing other tasks for which cats are not designed.

The cat is permitted to hog the bed and any comfortable chair.  Again, there are no exceptions to this.  The cat is also allowed to hop onto tables and any other surfaces, as long as the cat is capable of jumping high enough.

The cat may stick her nose into anything that excites her curiosity, including purses, bags, and cardboard boxes.  Any cardboard box or paper packing material is for the use of the cat until she tires of it.

Humans make perfect pillows, and it is essential to use them.  The cat must pin the human down so they cannot move until the cat is good and ready to get up.  Alternatively, the cat may lie on top of the human’s head, although this isn’t as soft as other parts.

The cat is entitled to treats whenever she wants them.  If the human(s) is(are) unwilling to dispense unlimited amounts of goodies, the cat is allowed to use blackmail to obtain them.  This includes threatening to run out the door when the human opens it and refusing to move from a human’s favorite chair unless the human brings out the treat container and gives some to the cat.

As seen from all the above examples, the cat must train the human(s) to live in harmony with them.

Journal Entry for March 27, 2022

Well, I’m tired.  I should be exhausted.  I sang two Masses in church this morning, after which I attended a meeting in another church building, then walked home.  I fed Harmony the Cat, changed into something comfortable, ate some lunch, and had a phone conversation with my friend Joan, who wanted to know about the meeting.  Then I collapsed on my bed and fell asleep while watching “Gone With the Wind” on TV.  Now I am awake and writing this.  Under normal circumstances, my Sundays are not so busy, but today was an exception.

Watching “Gone With the Wind” for the umpteenth time, I can’t help but wonder what would possess that silly bitch Scarlett O’Hara to moon and long over Ashley Wilkes when she had Rhett Butler to lust after.  If I were her, I would have considered Ashley’s marriage to Melanie a sign I should ditch him, especially with Rhett Butler hanging around just waiting to be grabbed.  Someone should have taken Scarlett and shaken some sense into her.  But then there wouldn’t have been such a good story.  Oh well.  You take the bad with the good.  Thank you, Margaret Mitchell.

The April edition of The Corlear Gardens Newsletter, of which I am the editor and head of the newsletter committee, is ready to be printed and distributed.  This is after I pestered two of my contributors to get their work in on time.  Then, when I emailed the “final” version to all contributors, some of them wanted corrections.  I had to go into the original several times, make the corrections, turn the document into a PDF so that everyone could open and read it, and send it out to everyone once again.  By now, it seems that everyone is happy.  I will send the final version tomorrow to be printed and distributed to the people in this building.  After that, my work will be done until the time for the May edition.

Now that I have written this, I can officially collapse.

Journal Entry for March 26, 2022

Well, I promised myself I would write a blog entry every day.  I have missed today so far.  So here I am writing something, anything, to keep going.

Harmony the Cat isn’t bothered by any of this.  She’s in the kitchen, sleeping on a flattened-out grocery bag that she has adopted as a bed.  She doesn’t care if I write a blog entry or not.  She only cares about treats, comfortable sleeping spots, looking out the back door window, getting brushed, getting petted, playing with toys, boxes, and bags, and sleeping with me on the bed.  She doesn’t know there is a war in Eastern Europe right now, prices are high, utility bills are going up, and Mommy hasn’t written her blog entry yet.  It must be nice to have a simple life like that.

I’ll write about Harmony the Cat one of these days because she’s a good subject.

A Writer's Lament

Okay.  I have to think of a good opening sentence for this little essay.  Good opening sentences are vital because they can make a reader want to read further or turn them off.  So I have to think of something that will grab a person and hold their attention.

But what if I have a great opening sentence and the rest of my essay is stupid?  I’ll have to take that chance.  I am not a stupid person.  At least, I’ve been told I’m intelligent, so I have to believe it.  So okay, my essay is not likely to turn out stupid.  Dullness is another thing.  My writing could be dull after I grabbed a person’s attention and made them read more than the opening sentence.  The poor reader will never forgive me for the boredom that ensues.  They will blame me for wasting time out of their life and for the disappointment that comes when my writing doesn’t meet their expectations.

What is a writer to do?  Writing an exciting piece that engages a reader all the way through requires work.  It takes thought, imagination, a good vocabulary, and other writing tools.  A humor writer even needs a good sense of humor, without which you can’t write anything funny.  This is a lot to ask of a person whose only desire is to put words on a computer screen and have people read them and like what they read.  But whoever said life was easy?

So here I am, trying to think of a way to open an essay that will, hopefully, turn out to be something that will give a reader some enjoyment.  If you are reading this, I hope you appreciate me.

This Could End Up Being Anything, And It Did

March 24, 2022

I’m late getting to this today.  But I have set a goal to write one blog entry per day, so here I am.  I have no idea where this is going or how long or short it will be.  If you want to take this ride with me, read on.

I had a lot to do today, starting with a required online Zoom class, the subject of which was Type 2 Diabetes.  I have Type 2 Diabetes, and I didn’t learn very much about it that I didn’t know before.  The class was fun, though, and it lasted less than an hour because only two of us had questions that were quickly answered.  The course was required for those of us who want to join the Barrie Diabetes Institute and take advantage of their doctors and diabetes instructors.  My primary care doctor wants me to join that group.  It looks like a good deal, even though they are located in Manhattan, and that means having to arrange transportation or pay for an Uber both ways.  I hope I can avoid Uber.

Anyway, that is my big excuse for being late sitting at the computer and writing.  I also showered, talked to a friend on the phone, and chatted with my best friend online.  Those are good excuses for not sitting down and writing, although Stephen King would probably not agree.  He’s making a lot more money than I am right now, though, so I don’t have to feel like I should listen to him all the time.

I would love to sit down and write a short short story or something really artistic that requires some thought, planning, and imagination.  Maybe I’ll start on that tomorrow.  I don’t have any diabetes classes to take tomorrow.