Posts

Who's Afraid of Big, Bad Me?

Image
Ah, come on, Mom!  I’m the Omega Wolf of the pack.  Nobody is afraid of me, and the females won’t come near me, even when they’re in heat and horny as the deer that we have for dinner.  Why do I have to take all these Big Bad Wolf tests, just so that I can learn to scare a few humans?
Okay, okay.  Rite of passage and all that.  I don’t have a choice, right?
How come you only agree with me when it means I have to do something painful?  No, I won’t shut up.
Did I hear you right?  You want me to go into this FROZEN lake and swim around?  You want me to catch pneumonia?
I know wolves don’t get pneumonia, but we get other rotten diseases.  You want me to get a rotten disease?  Again, I will not shut up.
Okay, I’ll step into the water.  Look, I’m stepping in.
OW!  This water is COLD!  What am I, a polar bear or something?
Okay, okay.  I’ll walk in further.  I’m doing it right now.  I’m up to my thighs in icy cold water.  Pretty soon I’ll freeze to death, it will be all over, and you’ll be very sor…

Always Plan for Death and Other Events

Image
Note:  This story describes a Catholic wake and funeral.  We writers always hear, “Write what you know.”  Being a Catholic church singer, I know Catholic funerals very well.

My name is Eunice O’Neill, and I died in a car crash five days ago.  Why am I still hanging around, you ask?  I don’t know.  I went through the whole thing:  the tunnel; the light; seeing all my dead relatives, two departed dogs and a hamster; everything.  Then they told me I would have to spend some more time down here because this is my Purgatory.  Eventually, they’ll let me in up there, but I don’t know how long that will take.  In the meantime, we have to make the best of things, so I decided to haunt my wake and my funeral.

One of the nice things about being dead is that you don’t have to walk around anymore because you can float!  Floating is fun, especially when you float right through someone because you can see all their insides when you do that.  I know that doesn’t sound like fun, but when you’re a ghost,…

A Dilly of a Dildo

Image
Dear Mother Hildegard:
As a good Catholic alum of your school, and according to the penance imposed on me by Father Riley in Confession on Saturday, I apologize for my behavior to your sister nuns last Wednesday.  I acknowledge that my actions put them in the occasion of sin by tempting them to impure thoughts that should never enter into the mind of any good Catholic woman, especially a nun.  Father Riley also made me say two Rosaries.  He did this after he was finished laughing so hard his nose was running.
In my defense, I would like to explain why I was walking down the street in front of the school on Wednesday carrying a huge inflatable penis. To begin with, It never occurred to me that a nun would even know what that thing I carried represented.  I forgot that Sister Mary Eloise teaches biology, that she used to be an exotic dancer and that she likes to talk.
So okay, it all started on Wednesday morning when Angie Ricciardone and Lourdes Valdez decided at the last minute to give Ma…

The Harebrained Royal Heir

Image
ANNOUNCER:  I present Her Royal Highness Princess Ivory Eugenia Barbie Margaret Dollie Alexandra of the House of Dummschaff, Crown Princess of the Kingdom of Allwettia
PRINCESS:  As you all know, I will soon be Queen, if everything goes right.  My poor father, King Rudolph, known to you commoners as Rudy the Wolf, is dying.  He has had one of these attacks at least once a year for the last 20 years, so there is always a chance that he’ll come through this one.  In that case, I shall remain Crown Princess, and my only duties will be to look good, get married, produce some royal kids, and show up at all the right ceremonies.
You wouldn’t want my life.  Believe me.
By the way, I love a joke as much as the next person.  But will whoever has been posting all those “I’ve had Ivory” notices all over the place, please stop it!  I have never had casual sex in my life.  Well, okay, I’ve had a few encounters with strangers just for the fun of it, but only a few.  And I have never had an illicit aff…

The Monster has Risen

Image
**









In other news, scientists, tourists and startled gondoliers have reported a sighting of the famed Grand Canal Monster, popularly known as "Grandie."
Unlike the Loch Ness Monster, which is usually seen as a long neck with a little head on the end of it, the Grand Canal Monster appears as two gigantic white human arms and hands. In the past, Grandie has been mistaken for some large, submerged ancient Roman statue, but that idea was debunked when it was seen by two people who were selling knockoff Gucci handbags to let go of a building it was grabbing and sink back into the water. In addition, Venice was not an ancient Roman city, so no statues were built there by the Romans. Other people built statues there later, but not the Romans, because they weren't there to do it.

The appearance of the monster has caused great concern within the ranks of the Venetian municipality. They are wondering if the creature will wreck some kind of havoc on the annual Regatta and on the gond…

A Telling Defense

Image
Author CAMERON GRAHAM posted this writing prompt on Facebook on 1/17/2018:
Challenge: Make a character portrait of someone with a huge blind spot in his or her self-awareness--something that everybody else sees but to which the character is oblivious. But the portrait should still be three-dimensional and complex, not cartoonish.

I, Rose Marie Lapazza, freely make this written deposition, witnessed by my nephew Salvatore, who is a notary and who knows that I always tell the truth and I never gossip, in spite of what everyone says, including his mother, my sister Angela, who drives her husband crazy and can be a real pain in the ass.
Last Sunday, January 14, 2018, I was coming out of the 11:30 Mass over at Our Lady of Mount Carmel Church.  I stopped to talk to Mary Ryan and Father Rizzo because I always stop to talk to Father Rizzo and Mary was standing there talking to him before I got there.  She has a hard time getting around because of her bad knee, poor thing.  It’s her age.  She’s o…

The Hair Papers

Image
Author Lucie Guerre posted the following writing prompt on Facebook: Found an advertisement on Facebook for "100% human hair". Create a story in which someone buys 100% human hair off a Facebook ad and why they would make such a purchase.
Memo

To: Invasion Preparatory Staff

From: General Zork-Snut

In our efforts to transform our Invasion Force into the likeness of earthlings, it has become painfully obvious that we are lacking in one resource.

Unlike the people of our planet, humans have hair on their heads. If this mission is to be successful, we must acquire a large amount of human hair ASAP.

Sclat Dok, one of our advance scouts has found an advertisement on something that humans call "Facebook" for 100 percent human hair. With this memo, I authorize Ms. Dok to buy enough human hair to cover the heads of 50 members of our invasion force.

Ms. Dok, please do this ASAP. Our people have never had hair on their heads before, and they will need time to adjust to it befor…