Observations of an Aging Baby Boomer

1.Archaeologists have discovered an "Elixir of Immortality" in an ancient Chinese family tomb. This is possibly the first example of a scientific experiment gone wrong because everybody in the grave is dead.

2.The length of time it takes a package to reach your house is in reverse ratio to the importance of the package.
3.Never trust anyone over 70.  We’re old enough to know all the tricks if we can remember them.
4.Never judge anyone until you have walked a mile in his shoes.  If the shoes don’t fit, you’re screwed.  Being screwed gives you the right to get mad, which provides you with the right to search out the owner of the shoes and clobber him.

5.Early to bed and early to rise can make a person really grouchy, especially if everyone else is having fun while you’re in bed.
6.Yes, your dog or cat loves you, so stop wondering about it.
7.Scientists are finally figuring out that procrastination can be good for you.  I could have told them that myself, but I kept putting it off.

Training Your Human 101, by Harmony the Cat

Lesson 1:  Treats
Harmony:  Since the time of the Pharaohs, 4,000 years ago, humans and cats have shared their homes with each other in a mutually satisfying arrangement.
Me (Human):  Actually, cats became domesticated around 12,000 years ago in the Middle East, but not in Egypt.  Egypt came later.
Yes, but mentioning the Pharaohs is a good attention getter.
Okay.  It’s your lecture.  I just thought I’d point out ...
Not while I’m talking!
All right.  Whatever.  Sheeesshh!
So obsessive!  Now, where was I.  Oh yes.  Since the time of the Pharaohs (pause, looks at human)  cats and humans have shared their lives together.  This arrangement has been highly beneficial to the cat, providing him or her with potential servants ...
“Slaves” is more like it.
... ahem ... to cater to the cat’s every whim.  To achieve this end, a certain amount of training is required.  In this first lesson, I will teach you how to obtain treats from your human.  This is a necessary skill, if you don’t want to spend your …

The Adventures of Hubert the Fly

“Good evening.  This is your roving reporter Roberta Ribbits with today’s News of the Eccentric.  I am on the corner of 239th Street and Bailey Avenue in The Bronx.  As you all know, many people eschew the idea of adopting a dog or a cat and choose instead to acquire exotic pets.  Standing next to me here is Ms. Florence Fadibber, who owns the most exotic pet of all, a common housefly."

“He’s not common.  He’s very uncommon.  If he were common, everyone would have one.”
“I’m sorry.  Yes.  An uncommon house fly.  I guess he’s in that mason jar you’re holding.  What’s his name?”
“Hubert.  I named him after my ex-husband.  There, there, Hubert.  It’s all right. Sweetie.  She’s a nice lady.  She just wants to get to know you.  N-i-i-ce flykins.”
 “Uh.  Yes.  Hello, Hubert.  Tell me, Ms. Fadibber, how long have you had your pet fly?  And what on earth made you adopt him?”
“Well, I was thinking about getting a pet, but I didn’t want to go through all the rigamarole they make you go through …

Eve's Memoir

I take a Bible class every Wednesday evening.  Occasionally, we are asked, as part of the homework, to write a little story.  Last week we were asked to write an account of the Fall from the viewpoint of Eve.
In a fit of dutiful reverence, I wrote a sad, tragic account to hand to our instructor.  I can't resist, however, writing a funny version as well.  Our instructor has a sense of humor, so perhaps I will submit this to the class for some extra credit!

How I Ended Up East of Eden[1] by Eve
What was I thinking?  It isn’t as though we didn’t have enough to eat.  We had a whole smorgasbord there in Eden, made up of all kinds of food except meat.  We didn’t mind not having meat, though, because we didn’t know any better back then.  All of the animals in Eden were supposed to be friends for my husband Adam, not food.  That was before Adam got his operation where God took out a rib and made me from it.  At any rate, Adam and I more or less divided up the animal friends.  I took the cute…

Sweepstakes Shmeepstakes!

Have you ever received one of those pieces of mail inviting you to enter sweepstakes and possibly win a humungous sum of money?  Of course, you have, unless you have been living in a cave without a mailing address for the last 40 years.

After years of tossing those envelopes into the trash unopened, have you suddenly decided to enter one of the sweepstakes and give yourself a chance to become an instant rich person without having to work for the money?
I have news for you.  Not only do you have a minuscule chance of winning anything, but it takes a genius to fill out one of those entry forms.
DISCLAIMER:  All names have been changed, to protect the innocent, the not-so-innocent and anyone else who feels guilty.  If there is any resemblance to any corporations that have ever been in existence, don’t blame me.
Picture this.  You have just received an envelope in the mail from the Sweepstakes Division of the Chimera[1] Corporation. 
The envelope is thick.  For some silly reason, this gives y…

Who's Afraid of Big, Bad Me?

Ah, come on, Mom!  I’m the Omega Wolf of the pack.  Nobody is afraid of me, and the females won’t come near me, even when they’re in heat and horny as the deer that we have for dinner.  Why do I have to take all these Big Bad Wolf tests, just so that I can learn to scare a few humans?
Okay, okay.  Rite of passage and all that.  I don’t have a choice, right?
How come you only agree with me when it means I have to do something painful?  No, I won’t shut up.
Did I hear you right?  You want me to go into this FROZEN lake and swim around?  You want me to catch pneumonia?
I know wolves don’t get pneumonia, but we get other rotten diseases.  You want me to get a rotten disease?  Again, I will not shut up.
Okay, I’ll step into the water.  Look, I’m stepping in.
OW!  This water is COLD!  What am I, a polar bear or something?
Okay, okay.  I’ll walk in further.  I’m doing it right now.  I’m up to my thighs in icy cold water.  Pretty soon I’ll freeze to death, it will be all over, and you’ll be very sor…

Always Plan for Death and Other Events

Note:  This story describes a Catholic wake and funeral.  We writers always hear, “Write what you know.”  Being a Catholic church singer, I know Catholic funerals very well.

My name is Eunice O’Neill, and I died in a car crash five days ago.  Why am I still hanging around, you ask?  I don’t know.  I went through the whole thing:  the tunnel; the light; seeing all my dead relatives, two departed dogs and a hamster; everything.  Then they told me I would have to spend some more time down here because this is my Purgatory.  Eventually, they’ll let me in up there, but I don’t know how long that will take.  In the meantime, we have to make the best of things, so I decided to haunt my wake and my funeral.

One of the nice things about being dead is that you don’t have to walk around anymore because you can float!  Floating is fun, especially when you float right through someone because you can see all their insides when you do that.  I know that doesn’t sound like fun, but when you’re a ghost,…