A Crazy Stream of Consciousness

 

Image purchased from Shutterstock

If I could have one talent that I don’t have now, I would love to be a stand-up comedienne.

Is it okay to call myself a comedienne, or do I have to say “comedian” for the sake of political correctness?  Well, okay, I don’t mind being a comedian if that will make people happy and shut them up.

Now that I have that out of the way, I must start by saying that I admire anyone who can get up in front of an audience and talk and be funny.  Being funny in normal life is relatively safe, as long as you hang around with people who have a sense of humor.  Being funny in front of an audience of strangers requires an enormous amount of chutzpah.

I love being funny in print.  I can say anything I want as long as it’s going into a computer or on paper.  I don’t have to see anyone’s reaction until people start posting comments, and if they don’t like what I wrote, I don’t have to give a rat’s rear end.  The commenters are somewhere miles or even states and countries away from me, and they are not going to come after me with a baseball bat or heckle me from a table in a nightclub.

Okay.  I can be very funny onstage if I am in a play or a sketch, where I can be someone other than myself.  Put me in a comedy, and I’ll get laughs galore.

Put me onstage being ME, or some version of me that I’m making up, and I’ll probably fall flatter than a piece of paper, even if I can remember all my jokes and keep from stammering and going blank, or whatever unpleasant thing will happen to me.

Speaking about unpleasant things that could happen – I don’t know what I’d do with hecklers.  The best answer I ever heard anyone give a heckler in a comedy club came not from one of the comedians, but from the evening’s singer.  She looked at the woman who was heckling everyone that evening and said, “You look like you’re sitting on a vibrator.”  I don’t know if I would ever have that kind of presence of mind onstage.

Of course, I have never actually TRIED to be a standup comedien ... er, comedian.  Sorry about that.

I just don’t have that kind of grit.  What would I do if I got up there, told jokes, and nobody laughed?  What if they were all talking and not even paying attention to me?  What if I stumbled?  What if I forgot what I wanted to say?  Why am I going through all this when all I’m doing right now is sitting at a computer, typing?

Maybe someday I’ll have the guts to try to stand up and be funny.  We’ll see.  In the meantime, I have to be content to write funny, and I am getting pretty good at that