The Ancient Deities Support Society and Dysfunctional Family Primal Therapy Group REDUX
I am in the process of writing a funny novel about a university professor and a group of ancient Greek gods and goddesses still living, now, in the 21st Century. I thought it would be nice to have some fun here with the premise that a bunch of REALLY old Greeks with magical powers are still living in the 21st Century and fitting pretty well into modern society.
|The Jolly Green Giant as Athena|
The scene is a large room in a luxury penthouse in Manhattan, which appears to be made of nothing but windows and spare, modern furnishings. The room is full of people, none of whom appear to be any older than about 25 – 30. They are all drop-dead gorgeous, some more than others. They are dressed in various styles, from designer clothes to jeans and sweats, depending on profession, personality and financial status. They are sitting wherever they can find something to sit on.
A tall woman wearing a Dolce and Cabbana outfit is standing at one end of the room. She is HERA, the wife of ZEUS. She and ZEUS live in London and have become very British. ZEUS is the founder and CEO of a multi-national, multi-layered corporation that produces airplanes, raincoats, umbrellas, waterproof boots, movies, videos, CDs and toys. The room is part of ZEUS’s and HERA’s New York luxury condo.
HERA: May I have everyone’s attention, please.
Everybody stops talking and looks at HERA.
HERA: Thank you. As you know, the first meeting of The Ancient Deities Support Society and Dysfunctional Family Primal Therapy Group ended rather abruptly when my dear daughter HEBE was grossly insulted by DIONYSUS, who is sitting over there. HEBE suffered a breakdown and left to go across the street for a beer. I am sad to say that she will not be here tonight. She is resting in our country home in England. I have bought a lovely and quite expensive card, which I have placed on the desk in the vestibule. Please sign it and include your good wishes. DIONYSUS, this includes you.
DIONYSUS: What? You talk-a to me? (He has an Italian accent, having been living in Tuscany for a couple of thousand years. He is bleary-eyed and a little bit sick looking.)
ARES: That must have been a great party last night.
POSEIDON: He saves a lot of money. He never needs to hire wine tasters for his vineyards.
APOLLO: He has wine in his bloodstream. The only reason it doesn’t petrify him is because he keeps it flowing!
ARES, POSEIDON and APOLLO fall back laughing. Everyone else, except HERA, smiles and giggles.
DIONYSUS: Eh, stronsi! Shut up!
HERA: Stop it this instant! All of you!
ATHENA: Oh, HERA, don’t get your underwear in a knot!
ARTEMIS: I don’t think she’s wearing any. It makes panty lines.
APHRODITE: I say always commando is best. (Although she has been living in New York City for about 100 years, APHRODITE has never learned to speak English correctly, and she has a strong Greek accent.)
ATHENA: Well, she always tries to command us, so she might as well go commando!
All the attendees are now laughing, not at the witticisms but at the look on HERA’s face.
HERA: If you are finished, we shall continue with the meeting. DIONYSUS, don’t you dare say a thing!
DIONYSUS: Me? I don’t say nothing! Everybody else is-a talking!
HERA: Well, just don’t!
DIONYSUS throws up his hands and shoulders in a gesture of frustration from having been blamed for something he hasn’t done this time.
APHRODITE (to DIONYSUS): Ah, do not pay attention to her. ARES and I, we know how to solve all problems. You need a sexy girlfriend.
APHRODITE gets up and crosses to DIONYSUS. She begins to massage his shoulders and neck.
ARES: What are you doing? Get over here!
APHRODITE: ARES! You are jealous!
She gets up, sashays over to ARES, sits in his lap and begins to stroke his head and bite his ear.
HERA: Is this a support group or Sex in the City? Everybody, shut up!
None of the attendees like being told to shut up. The meeting dissolves into a verbal free-for-all, with everyone talking and arguing, all at once, including HERA. Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder that shakes the walls and windows of the apartment. Everyone is shocked into silence. There is a two-second blackout. When the lights come back on, a tall man with thick black hair and a well-trimmed beard is standing next to HERA. It is ZEUS.
ZEUS: What the bloody hell is going on here?
HERA: I am trying to conduct a meeting and nobody is co-operating.
ZEUS: Well, I told you it was a f***ing bad idea, but you insisted on going ahead with it.
HERA: I expected civility, even from a room full of your bastard children.
ZEUS: So we’re back on that topic now, are we?
HERA: I shall retire to my room and lock my door. If you need me, have the maid ring me on the intercom.
HERA strides from the room with a look of supreme injured dignity, giving ZEUS a backhand slap on his back as she passes him.
ZEUS (grabbing his back -- to himself and to everyone in the room): Ow! She’s exciting when she gets like this!
ZEUS exits the room in the direction HERA has taken. POSEIDON, HADES, HESTIA and DEMETER giggle to themselves. APHRODITE smiles. Everyone else has the look of children who have just walked in on their parents having sex.
ATHENA: That went well!
POSEIDON: We all need a drink after that. Come on, everyone. I’m buying.
They all get up, grab their coats, purses, laptops and whatever else they brought in with them and get out of there as fast as they can.
|Dionysus (a/k/a Bacchus) With Grapes on His Head|
For more of my humor, go here.