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Showing posts from November, 2013

Christmas Gift Ideas for Your Favorite Redneck Relative

The idea of Christmas gifts is to give someone what he/she would really like and fill the person’s heart with joy, even if the gift in question is something that we hate so much it makes us want to puke, right?

All of us have at least one family member whose taste in just about everything is more on the level of beer and Rice-a-Roni rather than champagne and caviar.Here are some ideal Christmas gifts for your redneck relative who has everything.

Wall/Window D├ęcor A talking/singing fish wall plaque

A picture of Elvis done on black velvet Little fishes for the bathroom wall (best if they don’t match the shower curtain)

Framed pictures from a local dollar store
Home Accessories A statue (of anything or anyone) with a clock in its stomach

A very large, fake Chinese vase made of some metal that clangs when you drop it Fake Egyptian, Asian or African statues, painted in vivid colors.Nefertiti is very popular.

Wax or plastic fruit for the kitchen table centerpiece
Lawn Accents A garden gnome.For Catholic…

I Got Into a Silly Mood One Day ...

I got into a silly mood one day, and decided to write some dialog.An exchange between a store employee and an eccentric, dimwitted customer offered a good chance for some funny writing.
Scene:The Paint Department of a big ticket hardware store (think Home Depot).
A large 60’ish woman enters, looking around for someone who can help her.She is neatly dressed in a red polyester pantsuit.Her bottle-blonde hair is done in a large bouffant and is so heavily sprayed that a hurricane wouldn’t blow it out of shape.She has long nails, painted red with gold spangle dragons on each finger.Her voice is a combination of Fran Drescher and Lena Lamont (the dumb blonde movie star in “Singin’ in the Rain”).
She sees a young male store employee and signals to him.He is about 21 years old, tall and lithe, with wavy brown hair.
WOMAN:Hello!Do you work here?
EMPLOYEE:They pay me every week, so I guess so.What do you need?
WOMAN:You’re not sure if you work here?You’re dressed like you work here, so I though…