Picking Out a Halloween Costume
Some of you plus-sized ladies might be fortunate(?) enough to be invited to a party where costumes are required, or at least encouraged. This is for you:
PICKING OUT A HALLOWEEN COSTUME
As usual, I have no plans for Halloween this year, other than to eat as many pieces of candy corn and mellowcreme pumpkins as possible before my local drug store chains stop selling them. That is one tradition that I refuse to give up, no matter how old I get.
None of my friends ever throw Halloween parties. I probably could turn my apartment into a “haunted house,” but that’s too much trouble, and I’m sure that my cat would not go along with it, especially if it meant putting a costume on her and expecting her to behave in front of people. Therefore, my chances of needing a costume are next to nothing. That doesn’t stop me from browsing, though. I don’t know why I do this. If somebody can figure out why I do it, please let me know.
So here I am online, looking at plus-sized sexy Halloween costumes. Bear in mind that I am not thirty years old anymore, and my size can be euphemistically described as “zaftig.” It is important to establish both of those facts right away.
I can see myself as a pirate wench. Yes, that’s it. A scarf on the head, a lacy bodice and a full skirt. I might even carry a fake sword. The scarf would cover up the gray hairs. On the other hand, I don’t look like a woman who could swing from a yardarm and sword fight at the same time. I would have to have someone hold the sword for me while climbing up one slow step at a time. Scratch the pirate wench.
Forget the cute vintage stuff. I never liked poodle skirts and bell bottom pants. I don’t even want to be reminded of them now. I stopped dressing like a hippie back in the mid 70s, when I finally got the idea that Indian cotton skirts and dashikis were not the best fashion statements.
Okay. No pirate wench and no vintage look. I could be a vampire, though. If vampires exist, I’m sure that some of them are fat. Blood probably has a lot of calories in it. The gray hair would be a fine addition to this look as well. The only problem is that all of these costumes show humungous cleavage. The only time I have every worn anything that low cut was onstage during a performance. My friends would be too shocked and surprised. I’ll think about this one.
Everybody wants to be Cleopatra. There would be too much competition. I think I’ll pass on that one.
Nobody wants to see me in a short skirt. Trust me. That means that the German beer maiden is out, too.
I can’t be a Roman goddess, because I would probably be tripping all over all of those veils and getting them into the food. Besides, the ancient tunic look makes me look fat.
I would love to be the Wicked Witch of the West, but, with my luck, I’d end up with green makeup that would refuse to wash off.
Maybe it’s a good thing that nobody ever invites me to costume parties.