Some of you plus-sized ladies might be fortunate(?) enough to be invited to a party where costumes are required, or at least encouraged. This is for you:
PICKING OUT A HALLOWEEN COSTUME
As usual, I have no plans for Halloween this year, other
than to eat as many pieces of candy corn and mellowcreme pumpkins as possible
before my local drug store chains stop selling them. That is one tradition that I refuse to give
up, no matter how old I get.
None of my friends ever throw Halloween parties. I probably could turn my apartment into a
“haunted house,” but that’s too much trouble, and I’m sure that my cat would not
go along with it, especially if it meant putting a costume on her and expecting her to behave in front
of people. Therefore, my chances of
needing a costume are next to nothing.
That doesn’t stop me from browsing, though. I don’t know why I do this. If somebody can figure out why I do it, please
let me know.
So here I am online, looking at plus-sized sexy Halloween
costumes. Bear in mind that I am not
thirty years old anymore, and my size can be euphemistically described as
“zaftig.” It is important to establish
both of those facts right away.
I can see myself as a pirate wench. Yes, that’s it. A scarf on the head, a lacy bodice and a full
skirt. I might even carry a fake sword. The scarf would cover up the gray hairs. On the other hand, I don’t look like a woman
who could swing from a yardarm and sword fight at the same time. I would have to have someone hold the sword
for me while climbing up one slow step at a time. Scratch the pirate wench.
Forget the cute vintage stuff. I never liked poodle skirts and bell bottom
pants. I don’t even want to be reminded
of them now. I stopped dressing like a
hippie back in the mid 70s, when I finally got the idea that Indian cotton
skirts and dashikis were not the best fashion statements.
Okay. No pirate wench
and no vintage look. I could be a
vampire, though. If vampires exist, I’m
sure that some of them are fat. Blood
probably has a lot of calories in it.
The gray hair would be a fine addition to this look as well. The only problem is that all of these
costumes show humungous cleavage. The
only time I have every worn anything that low cut was onstage during a
performance. My friends would be too
shocked and surprised. I’ll think about
this one.
Everybody wants to be Cleopatra. There would be too much competition. I think I’ll pass on that one.
Nobody wants to see me in a short skirt. Trust me.
That means that the German beer maiden is out, too.
I can’t be a Roman goddess, because I would probably be
tripping all over all of those veils and getting them into the food. Besides, the ancient tunic look makes me look
fat.
I would love to be the Wicked Witch of the West, but, with
my luck, I’d end up with green makeup that would refuse to wash off.
Maybe it’s a good thing that nobody ever invites me to
costume parties.
Inspiration:
