A Telling Defense

Author CAMERON GRAHAM posted this writing prompt on Facebook on 1/17/2018:
 Challenge: Make a character portrait of someone with a huge blind spot in his or her self-awareness--something that everybody else sees but to which the character is oblivious. But the portrait should still be three-dimensional and complex, not cartoonish.

Always tells the truth and never
gossips.Yeah, right!

I, Rose Marie Lapazza, freely make this written deposition, witnessed by my nephew Salvatore, who is a notary and who knows that I always tell the truth and I never gossip, in spite of what everyone says, including his mother, my sister Angela, who drives her husband crazy and can be a real pain in the ass.

Last Sunday, January 14, 2018, I was coming out of the 11:30 Mass over at Our Lady of Mount Carmel Church.  I stopped to talk to Mary Ryan and Father Rizzo because I always stop to talk to Father Rizzo and Mary was standing there talking to him before I got there.  She has a hard time getting around because of her bad knee, poor thing.  It’s her age.  She’s older than she looks and a lot older than she admits to being.  I had some pain patches that I had been meaning to give to her, so I took them out of my purse and handed them to her.  She said thank you.  She always says please and thank you because she has manners.  Sometimes her manners are too good and you want to clobber her for being annoying, but most of the time she’s nice to be around.

I talked to a bunch of other people after that, because I like people and I like to talk to them and help them out with things.  That’s what friends and neighbors are for, and here we were right in front of our church.  You have to be nice to people when you’re standing in front of a church because you’re standing in front of God, and acting like a jerk when you are standing in front of God is even worse than acting like a jerk when you are just walking around somewhere.  I was being as nice as possible.  I even told Tommy and Kathleen Marco that I thought their ugly kid was cute.  I feel so sorry for that kid.  She’s going to have a hard time when she gets old enough to go to school.  Of course, the kid can’t help it.  She looks like her father.

So there I was, fussing over the little Marco girl (poor kid), when up popped Philomena Grillo.  She came charging at me like a damned torpedo, yelling loud enough to be heard in three counties, accusing me of telling people she has been having an affair with Jim Piscitelli the newsstand guy.  I never said she was having an affair with him.  She couldn’t, anyway.  Jim Piscitelli is as gay as New Orleans on Mardi Gras.  He tries to hide it, but everyone knows, anyway.  He and Philomena are friends and they sometimes go to the movies together, but she could never get anything going with him, if you know what I mean.

So there was Philomena, screaming about how I was ruining her reputation and calling me things that should never be said in front of a church.  I had to calm her down, so I hauled off and slugged her in the shoulder.  I did NOT hit her in the face, no matter what she says.  I might have pulled some of her hair.  I don’t remember.  Anyway, she didn’t calm down.  She got mad as a bull seeing red.  She jumped on me and we ended up in a big fight.  She probably would have won, because she’s a lot bigger than I am and she looks like a man, but Father Rizzo came and broke us up, just in time.  He was mad at both of us and told us to stop acting like a couple of animals and go home.

Philomena brought this lawsuit against me for slandering her, which I never did because I never said she was having an affair with Jim the gay guy.  I don’t gossip.  If I say anything about anyone, it is always the truth and it is always something everyone knows, anyway.  I should sue Philomena for giving me a black eye, and if she keeps this up I might do that.

Attested to this 17^th day of January, 2018.

___________________________________

Rose Marie Lapazza

___________________________________

Salvatore Pazienza, Notary Public

The Hair Papers

Author Lucie Guerre posted the following writing prompt on Facebook:

Found an advertisement on Facebook for "100% human hair". Create a story in which someone buys 100% human hair off a Facebook ad and why they would make such a purchase.

Memo

To: Invasion Preparatory Staff

From: General Zork-Snut

In our efforts to transform our Invasion Force into the likeness of earthlings, it has become painfully obvious that we are lacking in one resource.

Unlike the people of our planet, humans have hair on their heads. If this mission is to be successful, we must acquire a large amount of human hair ASAP.

Sclat Dok, one of our advance scouts has found an advertisement on something that humans call "Facebook" for 100 percent human hair. With this memo, I authorize Ms. Dok to buy enough human hair to cover the heads of 50 members of our invasion force.

Ms. Dok, please do this ASAP. Our people have never had hair on their heads before, and they will need time to adjust to it before they invade Earth and try to pass as humans.

The success of our mission depends on this.

===================================

Memo

To: General Zork-Snut

From: Sclat Dok

It might not be necessary to buy so much hair. In the last several years, it has become a fashion for male humans in some countries to shave their heads. I might be able to save the mission some money by buying hair only for the females in the invasion force.

Please advise.

PS: I wish you would get email. It's a real pain having to send these memos back and forth.

==================================

Memo

To: Sclat Dok

From: General Zork-Snut

Just buy the hair. If we end up with too much, you can always sell it to a movie studio for their next sci-fi flick.

I will never get email. I can't figure it out, and if I can't figure it out it has no right to exist.

=================================

Memo

To: General Zork-Snut

From: Sclat Dok

Okay, Pop. I won't argue with you. Say hello to Mom and tell her I am safe.

By the way, what would you like me to bring you from Earth?  Some nice Gucci shoes?  A case of Twinkies?  Let me know.