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Showing posts from July, 2016

Relatively Speaking

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You know that show on PBS where the host has different celebrities do a DNA testing, then sometimes tells them they are related to some famous person from the past, such as Abraham Lincoln or Richard the Lion-Hearted?
I decided to do one of those DNA tests, and I’m sorry that I did.  I’m not related to anybody famous, but apparently I am related to some infamous characters.   My family tree has more bad apples than a corner grocery store after a 7-day blackout.
Apparently, the Minicozzis and the McNeelys are responsible for most of the evil in the world.
The Minicozzis missed being related to Julius Caesar by a hair.  Good old Julius was supposed to have a wild week on Capri with our distant ancestor Caecilia Pectoris, the busiest call girl in Pompeii, but he missed it because he got himself killed before he could get out of Rome.  Caecilia filled his time slot with a local chariot race bookie to whom she owed money, and got knocked up by him instead of by the leader of the whole Roman w…

Neanderthal Me

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According to the latest scientific findings, almost everyone outside of Sub-Saharan Africa has some Neanderthal in their DNA.
I sent my DNA to The National Geographic’s Genographic Project, and my results tell me I am 1.8 percent Neanderthal.  For this reason, I am gratified to know that science has also determined the following:
1.Contrary to popular belief, Neanderthals were as smart as anyone else living in Stone Age Europe.  They weren’t stupid.  This is good news and bad news.  The good news is I can still turn out to be smart.  The bad news is I can’t blame any of my dumb decisions on Neanderthal ancestry, since they weren’t as dumb as everyone used to think they were.
2.Neanderthals didn’t go extinct because the modern humans who were invading their territory were superior.  They went extinct because they interbred with modern humans and there were a lot more modern humans than there were Neanderthals.  The Neanderthals got absorbed into the new general population and the result i…

Thoughts of the Day

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1.  Never order spaghetti and meatballs in a Chinese restaurant.  You don't know how far it had to travel to get there.


2.  We reproduce ourselves by having sex.  Dirty dishes multiply like rabbits in the sink if they are not taken care of.  Therefore, dirty dishes have sex when nobody is looking.


Ghostbuster Kitties

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Cats can see ghosts.  Everyone knows this who has ever watched a cat stare at what appears to be a blank wall.  Yesterday morning, I went to an AMC Loews theater and saw the new Ghostbusters in IMAX 3-D.  It struck me that, in case of a ghost apocalypse, New York City would not need a team of humans armed with proton packs in order to annihilate the spectral assailants.  All you would need would be cats.  Lots of them.  New York City has cats.  Lots of them.
In spite of what everyone has heard, cats can be trained.  Aspiring cat trainers are recognizable by the scars on their arms, legs and faces and the little holes in their clothing.  It would be a simple process to take these scratched and bitten humans and train them to be cat whisperers.  Once this initial goal is achieved, the next step would be for the cat whisperers to gather all the stray cats in the city, like the Pied Piper of Hamelin.  If music proves to be an effective feline attractor, I recommend The Lion Sleeps Tonigh…

You Know It's Summer in New York City When ...

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This piece, and more of my humor, can be found at www.humoroutcasts.com.

Griping about the weather is one of the great New York City pastimes.  It’s right up there with jaywalking, making fun of tourists and trying to walk faster than anyone else who is using the same sidewalk.  It’s not that we’re wimps … well, okay, we are wimps.  This is because most of us don’t drive cars, which means that we can’t just hop from the kitchen to the garage and into an automobile.  We have to be out in whatever Earth’s atmosphere is throwing at us, unless we want to stay holed up at home.
New York City’s summers are legendary.  Because the temperature rarely gets above the mid-90s, those of you who live in places where summer means 100 degrees in the shade are probably asking, “What’s the big deal?”  I can answer this in one word:
Humidity.
New Yorkers spend a typical summer day awash in water:  once or twice in the shower at home and every time they step outside.  Humidity also has the ability to ma…

I'm on YouTube!

It has happened, to me, of all people!  I'm on YouTube!  I have arrived!

Actually, I put myself on YouTube, after I gave a reading and a book signing today.  I had my friend Joan, who was attending, hold my iPhone and take a video of me.  When I got home, I sent it to YouTube.

It's still a big deal.  At least I think so, and I'm the one in the video, so I get to say if it is a big deal or not.  Those are the rules.

Here it is:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdqTdLa_z6A