Showing posts from August, 2015

Things I Will and Won't Do

Things I Will Never Do in My Lifetime
1.  Get a lobotomy.  Everyone thinks I'm spaced out enough as it is.
2.  Run a marathon, even if I get to eat a ton of spaghetti the day before the run without feeling guilty.  With my luck, the spaghetti would cause me to get a cramp and fall down, and all the runners after me would pile on top of me and crush me.  On second thought, it is highly unlikely that there would be any runners behind me.  In that case, I'd survive the race but die of embarrassment.
3.  Go swimming in the Hudson River between Manhattan and New Jersey.  That would be like swimming in a giant toilet.
4.  Get a tattoo on my butt.  To do that, I would have to let the tattoo artist see my rear.  Then I would have to go to Confession for letting a stranger see my butt and disguise my voice so that the priest wouldn't know who he was laughing at.
5.  Ride any roller coaster, especially the Cyclone at Coney Island.  Well, maybe if you offered me enough money to live in lu…