Monday, December 11, 2017

The Christmas Movie Quiz

Any day now, they will start.  TV networks will broadcast classic Christmas movies, and they won’t stop until Christmas is over.  There will probably even be a marathon of A Christmas Story, as there has been every year since ... please don’t ask me, because I can’t remember.

In order to prepare for this yearly film festival, I have prepared a little quiz that will make you aware of how much you need to bone up on your Christmas movie knowledge, so that you can get up and go to the kitchen at any time during any of the shows without missing anything important.

The Christmas Movie Quiz

1.       Home Alone:  What is the name of the kid who is left alone on Christmas?
a.       Buddy
b.      Ed
c.       Kevin
d.      Krampus
e.       That’s no kid.  That’s a miniature demon.

2.       Home Alone:  Why does _______’s family leave him alone on Christmas?
a.       He’s an obnoxious brat and they hate him
b.      They’re stupid
c.       He’s stupid
d.      They’re late leaving for the airport to go to Europe and, in their hurry, they leave him behind
e.       All of the above

3.      Elf:  What is the name of the man who was raised by elves at the North Pole?
a.       Buddy
b.      Ed
c.       Kevin
d.      Krampus
e.       That’s no elf.  That’s a moron in a green suit.

4.      It’s a Wonderful Life:  What is the famous quote about bells in this movie?
a.       Ring those bells!
b.      Who keeps ringing those stupid bells?
c.       This is the one that made me deaf.
d.      Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings.
e.       Keep doing that, and you’ll be hearing bells!

5.      The Bishop’s Wife:  Why does an angel who looks like Cary Grant choose a name like Dudley?
a.       It’s his name
b.      Nobody knows
c.       Nobody cares
d.      He won that name in a lottery
e.       It’s a nice name and he likes it

6.      Miracle on 34th Street:  Poll:  Is Mr. Kringle really Santa Claus?
a.       Oh, come on!  You always wanted to think he was!
b.      He thinks he is, and that’s all that counts.
c.       Of course he is.  His beard is real, and everything.
d.      Are you joking?
e.       Anything is possible, if you just believe.

7.      A Christmas Story:  What does Ralphie want for Christmas?
a.       A pair of bunny pajamas with feet
b.      Somebody to force-feed his little brother
c.       A supply of Lifebuoy soap
d.     A Red Ryder Carbine Action 200-shot Range Model air rifle. 
e.       A football

8.      A Christmas Story:  What radio personality lets Ralphie down in a very dramatic way?
a.       The Lone Ranger
b.      Jack Benny
c.       The Shadow
d.      Little Orphan Annie
e.       Ovaltine

9.      The Polar Express:  All of the kids on the Polar Express are traveling to the North Pole in their pajamas.  Why don’t they put on their coats?
a.       Mom isn’t watching them.
b.      The train only stops long enough for them to run out the door.
c.       The look in the eyes of that scary conductor
d.      They don’t want to
e.       All of the above

10.  The Polar Express:  Who sings the theme song in this film?
a.       Some jerk
b.      A guy with a tenor voice
c.       Josh Groban
d.      Luciano Pavarotti
e.       A computer

Okay.  I have given you enough to get you started.  It is now up to you.



The Christmas Song Generator


Are you tired of hearing the same old Christmas music over and over?  The solution is obvious:  create your own song!

The easiest way to do this is to take a pre-existing song and change some of the words, to put your personal stamp on it.

To get everyone started, here is Christmas Song Generator No. 1:

To the tune of A Holly Jolly Christmas:[1]

Have a (insert two adjectives) Christmas
It’s the (insert adjective) time of the year.
I don't know if there'll be (insert noun)
but have a (insert name of food or beverage)
Have a
(insert two adjectives) Christmas;
And when you (insert verb) down the (insert noun)
Say (insert greeting) to (insert plural noun) you know
and everyone you meet

Oh ho
the (insert noun)
hung where you can see;
(insert name of person or a pronoun) waits for you;
(insert verb) once for me
Have a (insert two adjectives) Christmas
and in case you didn't hear
Oh by golly
Have a (insert two adjectives) Christmas
This year

At the next Christmas party, you will dazzle your friends with your lyric-writing ability, especially if they have been drinking too much egg nog.




[1] “A Holly, Jolly Christmas,” composed by Johnny Marks in 1962.  Sung by Burl Ives in the 1964 Christmas special, “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.”

Friday, December 1, 2017

This is What Happens When You Fool Around on Facebook

Posted to the Writing Prompts Group on Facebook by Author Leland Lydecker:

You've lived in this slum all your life, staring up at the towers of wealth and affluence above and longing for the kind of life where you have clean running water and enough to eat. While hunting for another job, you stumble across a posting for a R&D position with the city's largest cybernetics manufacturer.

The pay is a small fortune in your eyes, and the only required qualification is the ability to pass a physical health exam. One line in the small print catches your eye as you press the button to sign up: "CyberTech Corp now removes the pain receptors of all its R&D subjects in accordance with UN regulations regarding human testing."
How does the new job work out for you?



My Response:

I brush the roach off the computer screen and he falls to the floor behind the old desk. I hope I will never see him again, although it's certain that his family and friends will show up looking for handouts. They always do. Our douchebag landlord refuses to pay for an exterminator, and half the tenants in this dump are slobs. The roaches and the mice are the only living things that prosper here. Don't get me started on the peeling lead paint and the broken steps. The landlord has been jailed twice for these, but he always manages to avoid doing anything about them.

Now that the roach isn't distracting me, I can continue my online search for a job. I have searched through several websites so far and sent my resume to at least 10 places. I am now on a site that advertises jobs in research and development. I figure they won't be too choosy about hiring people to try out new products or new medications, and maybe I can make enough to move to a better hovel than the one I now occupy.

I scroll through a bunch of ads for men to test new anti-impotence drugs and women to test new perfumes. I am not a man, and I'm allergic to perfumes. One ad, though, makes me stop and read. CyberTech Corporation is looking for human test subjects. The pay is $50 per hour, with free lunches and free transportation. "Whoa!" I say to myself. I click on the link leading to the website of CyberTech, where I find more information about the job.

CyberTech plans to do some experimental research to see how much power can be derived from the human brain. For this they need subjects in good health who don't mind lying still for a few hours a day with a wired-up helmet on their heads. For $50 an hour I will do an upside-down pole dance while singing "New York, New York" and slapping myself on the head.

I am poised to click on the "Apply Here" button when my eye falls on some small print near the bottom of the screen that reads, "CyberTech Corp now removes the pain receptors of all its R&D subjects in accordance with UN regulations regarding human testing."

What the hell! Does that mean I'd be numb for the rest of my life? Would I be "mostly dead," like Westley in "The Princess Bride?" If I choose not to have my receptors removed, will I die in excruciating pain? If they remove my receptors, can they put them back after the experiment is over?

On the other hand, a pain-free life might not be so bad: no more headaches; no more backaches; no arthritis pain; etc.

"Okay," I say to myself, "$50 an hour, here I come. The die is cast."

I click the button, fill out the information and wait for them to get back to me.



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