Friday, October 28, 2016

The Ancient Deities Support Society and Dysfunctional Family Primal Therapy Group REDUX

I am in the process of writing a funny novel about a university professor and a group of ancient Greek gods and goddesses still living, now, in the 21st Century.  I thought it would be nice to have some fun here with the premise that a bunch of REALLY old Greeks with magical powers are still living in the 21st Century and fitting pretty well into modern society.

The Jolly Green Giant as Athena
The scene is a large room in a luxury penthouse in Manhattan, which appears to be made of nothing but windows and spare, modern furnishings.  The room is full of people, none of whom appear to be any older than about 25 – 30.  They are all drop-dead gorgeous, some more than others.  They are dressed in various styles, from designer clothes to jeans and sweats, depending on profession, personality and financial status.  They are sitting wherever they can find something to sit on.

A tall woman wearing a Dolce and Cabbana outfit is standing at one end of the room.  She is HERA, the wife of ZEUS.  She and ZEUS live in London and have become very British.  ZEUS is the founder and CEO of a multi-national, multi-layered corporation that produces airplanes, raincoats, umbrellas, waterproof boots, movies, videos, CDs and toys.  The room is part of ZEUS’s and HERA’s New York luxury condo.

HERA:  May I have everyone’s attention, please.

Everybody stops talking and looks at HERA.

HERA:  Thank you.  As you know, the first meeting of The Ancient Deities Support Society and Dysfunctional Family Primal Therapy Group ended rather abruptly when my dear daughter HEBE was grossly insulted by DIONYSUS, who is sitting over there.  HEBE suffered a breakdown and left to go across the street for a beer.  I am sad to say that she will not be here tonight.  She is resting in our country home in England.  I have bought a lovely and quite expensive card, which I have placed on the desk in the vestibule.  Please sign it and include your good wishes.  DIONYSUS, this includes you.

DIONYSUS:  What?  You talk-a to me?  (He has an Italian accent, having been living in Tuscany for a couple of thousand years.  He is bleary-eyed and a little bit sick looking.)

ARES:  That must have been a great party last night.

POSEIDON:  He saves a lot of money.  He never needs to hire wine tasters for his vineyards.

APOLLO:  He has wine in his bloodstream.  The only reason it doesn’t petrify him is because he keeps it flowing!

ARES, POSEIDON and APOLLO fall back laughing.  Everyone else, except HERA, smiles and giggles.

DIONYSUS:  Eh, stronsi!  Shut up!

HERA:  Stop it this instant!  All of you!

ATHENA:  Oh, HERA, don’t get your underwear in a knot!

ARTEMIS:  I don’t think she’s wearing any.  It makes panty lines.

APHRODITE:  I say always commando is best.  (Although she has been living in New York City for about 100 years, APHRODITE has never learned to speak English correctly, and she has a strong Greek accent.)

ATHENA:  Well, she always tries to command us, so she might as well go commando!

All the attendees are now laughing, not at the witticisms but at the look on HERA’s face.

HERA:  If you are finished, we shall continue with the meeting.  DIONYSUS, don’t you dare say a thing!

DIONYSUS:  Me?  I don’t say nothing!  Everybody else is-a talking!

HERA:  Well, just don’t!

DIONYSUS throws up his hands and shoulders in a gesture of frustration from having been blamed for something he hasn’t done this time.

APHRODITE (to DIONYSUS):  Ah, do not pay attention to her.  ARES and I, we know how to solve all problems.  You need a sexy girlfriend.

APHRODITE gets up and crosses to DIONYSUS.  She begins to massage his shoulders and neck.

ARES:  What are you doing?  Get over here!

APHRODITE:  ARES!  You are jealous!

She gets up, sashays over to ARES, sits in his lap and begins to stroke his head and bite his ear.

HERA:  Is this a support group or Sex in the City?  Everybody, shut up!

None of the attendees like being told to shut up.  The meeting dissolves into a verbal free-for-all, with everyone talking and arguing, all at once, including HERA.  Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder that shakes the walls and windows of the apartment.  Everyone is shocked into silence.  There is a two-second blackout.  When the lights come back on, a tall man with thick black hair and a well-trimmed beard is standing next to HERA.  It is ZEUS.

ZEUS:  What the bloody hell is going on here?

HERA:  I am trying to conduct a meeting and nobody is co-operating.

ZEUS:  Well, I told you it was a f***ing bad idea, but you insisted on going ahead with it.

HERA:  I expected civility, even from a room full of your bastard children.

ZEUS:  So we’re back on that topic now, are we?

HERA:  I shall retire to my room and lock my door.  If you need me, have the maid ring me on the intercom.

HERA strides from the room with a look of supreme injured dignity, giving ZEUS a backhand slap on his back as she passes him.

ZEUS (grabbing his back -- to himself and to everyone in the room):  Ow!  She’s exciting when she gets like this!

ZEUS exits the room in the direction HERA has taken.  POSEIDON, HADES, HESTIA and DEMETER giggle to themselves.  APHRODITE smiles.  Everyone else has the look of children who have just walked in on their parents having sex.

ATHENA:  That went well!

POSEIDON:  We all need a drink after that.  Come on, everyone.  I’m buying.


They all get up, grab their coats, purses, laptops and whatever else they brought in with them and get out of there as fast as they can.

Dionysus (a/k/a Bacchus) With Grapes on His Head
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For more of my humor, go here.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

What Are the REAL Qualities of Your Astrological Sign?

Disclaimer:  This is a work of humor.  I made it all up, except for the names of infamous people.  Please don’t take it seriously.  On the other hand, if you want to laugh, go ahead.



Astrologers love to make people feel good about themselves.  They sell books that way, not to mention all those syndicated newspaper columns.  Descriptions about the characteristics of each sign are bound to be glowing and flattering, with an occasional “but” or “however” thrown in, just to give the impression that the author is not trying to butter everyone up in order to create a best seller.

It came to my mind that it would be refreshing to give readers an alternate view of those starry signs in the sky.  I consulted an astrologer friend, Madame Brunnhilde K. Tollkopf, and together we came up with the following:

ARIES:  You are a big baby, domineering and bad-tempered.  Nobody loves you, except your mother, and even she has second thoughts.  Adolph Hitler was an Aries. 

TAURUS:  You are stubborn and you always think you are right.  When you get angry you destroy everything around you, starting with the person who made you mad in the first place and working from there.  You are probably overweight.  You share your sign with Saddam Hussein.

GEMINI:  You never know from one minute to another what you’re going to say or do, and neither does anyone else.  Some people find this exciting.  Most people find it obnoxious.  The best that can be said about you is that Gemini produces fewer criminals than any other sign, although Jeffrey Dahmer was a Gemini.  Try to figure that one out!

CANCER:  You are moody, grumpy and too sensitive.  You probably have the first dollar you ever received.  Of all people in the world, you are the most likely to end up on the wrong side of the law.  Lizzie Borden was a Cancer.

LEO:  You have the world’s biggest ego.  You always want to be the center of attention and the boss.  If you are not the center of attention and the boss, you either sulk or get mad.  You would make a good dictator, just like Benito Mussolini.
A Leo Getting Attention
VIRGO:  You are the poster person for OCD.  You are picky, picky, picky.  You never have a hair or a thread out of place, which annoys the hell out of everyone else and makes them wonder if you are from another planet.  Ivan the Terrible was one of you.

LIBRA:  You love to argue, and you are very good at it.  You hate loud noises and cell phones.  You are so indecisive, it is a miracle if you get anything done, and when you do get something done it is usually the wrong thing.  Lee Harvey Oswald was a Libra.

SCORPIO:  Everyone is afraid of you, including people who like you.  You are able to think of some very creative ways to be evil and vindictive.  You are so oversexed that you would attack an SUV.  If you are old enough to remember Senator Joseph McCarthy, you will be unhappy enough to know that he was one of you.

SAGITTARIUS:  You have a big mouth and you have probably, at one time, offended everyone you know.  You are lucky to be still alive.  Please call your mother, because she hasn’t heard from you in a year.  You share your sign with Francisco Franco.

CAPRICORN:  You are a social climbing nerd and a crashing bore, unless you decide to become an evil dictator, like Idi Amin. 

AQUARIUS:  You are friendly, but weird.  You are so weird that even weirdos think you are weird.  You are liable to do anything.  The painted ladies in New York’s Times Square are probably all Aquarians.  Kim Jong Il is definitely one.

PISCES:  You are creative, compassionate and intuitive.  You care deeply for the poor and downtrodden.  You are artistic.  You instinctively know that there are more important things in life than money and power.  Michelangelo, Enrico Caruso and Elizabeth Taylor were Pisceans.

Excuse me? …  Yes, I’m a Pisces.  Why do you ask? … 

Oh, ALRIGHT!

PISCES:  You will never have a dollar to your name because you are too busy trying to be an actor or a novelist.  You are sneaky and you daydream too much.  People think you are sweet, but you are just lazy.  If you aren’t lazy, you’re a serial killer, like John Wayne Gacy.
Piscean Writer.  Note the stoned look.
Was that okay?


Monday, October 10, 2016

The Donald Trump Groupie and Fan Club (Again!)

Humor is one of the best ways to battle hatred and bigotry.  It is in that spirit that I post this piece.  I believe that Donald Trump and his ideas are dangerous, and I strongly hope he will not be elected.  Using humor is one way to fight against him

Kathy Minicozzi

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THE DONALD TRUMP GROUPIE AND FAN CLUB NEWSLETTER
October, 2016

Annabel Lee Longfellow Stump who always edits these newsletters won’t return my calls, unfriended me on Facebook and spits on my shoe when I go to talk to her.  I have nobody to correct grammar and spelling.  My ten-year-old son, who corrected me some on the last newsletter, didn’t want to do it again because he said it’s stupid and he doesn’t want to look stupid to the whole world.  I told him this newsletter doesn’t go out to more than ten people, which isn’t the world, and if he didn’t help me out I’d take away his iPhone for a week.  So I got him to edit for me.  If there are any mistakes, it’s his fault, not mine.

(The statements made in this newsletter are strictly those of my mother and have nothing whatsoever in the whole universe to do with me or any of my friends.  The author’s ten-year-old son, who can’t wait until he turns 18 and makes his escape.)

So I guess you all saw the two debates on TV.  Don’t you just LOVE the way our Donald can talk around any question they throw at him and end up talking about something else that has nothing to do with the question?  That’s a gift, I tell you.  Hillary can’t do that.  She stays right on the subject they want her to talk about except when she’s claiming that something Donald said wasn’t true.  Donald finds all kinds of bad things to say about her.  He really pays attention to all the gossip and loves to repeat it, which we all know is the best way to find things out, especially when someone is going after a job you want.

I admit I blushed a little (okay, a lot) when I played that video where Donald was talking like a sailor in a house of ill repute.  Well, men are like that.  If I met him and he grabbed me by the hoo-hah I’d just slug him and get it over with and then we could be friends because I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t do that again and get slugged again.  Men have been grabbing women and talking dirty since the time of Adam and Eve and women have either just taken it or hit the guy and told him off.  That’s the way the human race was created and that’s just the way it is.

Anyway, Donald apologized.  If a man says he’s sorry you have to forgive him even if you figure he didn’t mean it.  Donald apologized for talking trash and we just have to act like it was nothing, even if we won’t un-hear those words for a long time.  That’s only civilized, right?

If my husband ever did that to other women and I found out about it I’d divorce him, but that’s a whole other story.

I’ll have more to say in the next newsletter.

Respectfully submitted,

Melisande Albina Dummschlager (“MAD”)
President
The Donald Trump Groupie and Fan Club

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DISCLAIMER:  Aside from the name Donald Trump, all of the names in this piece came out of the author’s imagination and are not meant to represent any person, living or deceased.  In addition, The Donald Trump Groupie and Fan Club is a figment of the author’s imagination, and not meant to represent any group in existence at any time.

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